The ever-shrinking Katy!

One has diamonds in his pockets, the other one wants to buy you rockets...

2011-01-06T10:59:00.001-08:00

So I know it's been a while since my last post, and I'm very sorry about that, but I have been a very busy girl! I should be reading even now for class, but there is something I kinda wanted to write about... and it is not SO much weight-related, but it isn't something I'd want to write about on facebook for fear that people will think that I'm talking about a certain someone in particular or even themselves.... or in general just reading too much into it, as is very likely to happen on facebook.
This quarter I am taking the class English Novel, which, as the title suggests, focuses on british novels and how they came about and such. Today the prof discussed how the British novel first came about and it's conventions. She mentioned how novels were special in that they were a combination of romantic and realistic writing, and that they seemed to provide solutions to the problems that their probable readers were having... not so much that by the end of the book society as a whole was better, but rather that the main characters who had an issue were able to resolve it and live happily ever after. My professor used Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen as an example. The bigger problem in the novel is how class division leads to unjustified prejudices. The smaller, specific problem is how Mr. Darcy from the upper class and Miss Elizabeth Bennett from the lower class are unable to see eye to eye at the beginning of the novel because they both have prejudices against each other due to their different classes... However, at the end of the novel, a bridge has been built between these two classes and they are able to resolve their differences with one another, fall in love, and live, presumably, happily ever after. Though that society has not changed.... people still have issues with the meshing of classes (ex: Lady Katherine Debourgh, pardon my spelling)... the problem for the characters we care about have been resolved. My prof barely mentioned that another issue Pride and Prejudice brings up is the problem women have of being able to sort the truly good guys from the charming guys. But at the slight mention of this, my mind started working on that topic. It's true. That is a huge issue in all of Austen's books... Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth needs to decide between Wickham and Darcy-- Wickham is charming, her family loves him, he's the seemingly good man, but it's an act... He is only out for immediate pleasure and for everyone's approval. Darcy is seemingly prideful, her family hates him, but that's only because he doesn't put on an act or show, his good deeds are all the more good deeds because he doesn't flaunt them for everyone to see, he is truly a good man. In Sense and Sensibility, Marianne needs to choose between Willoughby and Colonel Brandon... Willoughby is the charming, fun, young man who her family adores and who she adores because he says and does all the "right" things.... Brandon is older, more poised, more thoughtful, less exciting and thus seemingly "dull", but he is honest, trustworthy, and loyal. In Persuasion Ann must choose between Mr. Eliot and Captain Wentworth.... Mr. Eliot is someone her family loves, looks the part, can bring a title, is charming, says the "right" things, etc.... Wentworth had to work for his title, her family hates him, he doesn't bring a title, but he doesn't put on much of an act, and he is truly a good man (albeit a little misguided in my opinion at times). In Mansfield Park (though I hate the book), Fanny must choose between the charming and rich Mr Crawford and the plain and poor Edward. I'll end there, but I think this is probably why Austen's books have endured for so long... their relatability to things that happen even today. Sure, Austen is clearly advising that women be careful of the man who is simply acting the part, but if she were to stop there, I think her books would not be read as much as they are. She shows exactly how difficult it is for women to decide which is really the good man, and then goes on to show how difficult it is for a woman to defy even her family for the right man.
This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately, actually. Since losing my weight, more guys have become interested... a LOT more interested. And I like it, don't get me wrong, but at the same time, it's made things a lot more complicated. When I say this to my dad, he just laughs and says, "Oh, wa, what a problem to have. Would you rather go back to having no guys interested!?" And, no, that's not what I want, but at the same time, it's still so hard to deal with. Why? Because I dunno which one is the "right" one.... now, hold on a second, and hear me out. No, I don't believe that there is one and only one person for me or for anyone. I may be a romantic, but I know enough that that is not that case. But, as Jane Austen points out so many times, some guys put on acts in order to get the girl he wants or even just to get public acceptance, and some guys are truly good guys, but because of a past or because he doesn't put on an act, not many people would agree that he is a "good" guy, or rather the "right" one. Does that make sense? And before you go thinking that I'm thinking of particular people, that's not exactly the case. Yes, I do have a couple guys in mind while I'm writing this, but the issue is much larger than them. Because one might suggest I just "dump" these couple of guys that I have in my mind and go for a new crowd of guys, but the issue is still the same: How do I figure out which guys are the truly good guys from the ones who are just putting on an act? And why should I "dump" one of the guys because it's not as clear cut as everyone (including me) wants it to be? I mean, my feelings on these guys are pretty clear cut, but the situation is all sorts of confusing and messy. Jane Austen would be rolling her eyes right now and would problem say, "After all the millions of times you've not only read, but watched my novels, you're STILL unsure what to do?? What sort of fan are you!?" And sure, yeah, I know what Jane Austen would have me do-- she'd have me go for the one I know is the better man despite what everyone else thinks and says and just let them come to it on their own. But that's a BOOK. It's fiction. I know I can't base my life off of what happens in a fictional story and what a woman would have said who has been dead for a couple hundred years, and who didn't exactly have a successful romantic life herself. This is the sort of issue I was able to avoid before I lost the weight-- For one, I didn't have numerous guys to choose from... I didn't even have ONE to choose. For another, I don't think guys felt like they had to put an act on for me then because of my weight, does that make sense? Like, they didn't feel like they had to go out of their way, act a certain way to impress me because it's not like they had a lot of competition anyway. Now I think because I look the way I do, guys automatically assume they have competition, and will act a certain way to impress me, "act" being the keyword there.
Anyway, this is an issue I'm trying to deal with. It's getting easier. I have found that though I don't necessarily have to choose the "right" one now, I don't have to deal with the Willoughbys, Wickhams, Eliots, and Crawfords of the world either. I'm hoping that soon I'll be as courageous as Elizabeth, Ann, and Fanny (I won't say Marianne, because she didn't exactly choose, the cruel truth was sorta forced on her)...
Anyway.... sos you all know, I did gain a little over the holiday seasons, but now I'm back on track and hopefully I'll be back to where I want to be SOON! I'm working out again (as my sore muscles would be glad to testify to, I'm sure), eating healthy again (no sneaking chocolates at night... I mean,seriously, who was I trying to kid by eating in the dark and alone? Like somehow that would make it so the calories would not show up on the scale. Oh brother.) and now trying to learn to do it on a more manageable budget. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season! And, for a shameless plug, keep in mind that registration for Weight Watchers is free this month! It's an amazing program that WORKS! I PROMISE!! :)
Have a good one :)

Before/ After pictures...

2010-07-08T10:22:00.000-07:00

Again, all one would have to do is go to my facebook to get these things, but I've decided to put my before/after pictures on here too... just because it makes sense lol....
As for an update.... I went to England for my big trip my dad promised me as a reward with my mom and it was absolutely wonderful!! There wasn't a second I didn't enjoy! And I know a major part of that is because I was fit enough to enjoy it... I wasn't so excessively tired that I couldn't enjoy St. Paul's Cathedral even though we walked quite the distance from the Tower of London and then climbed the 528 steps to the very top... in a dress.. and sandals. I kept thinking on the top of St. Paul's "If you were 125 pounds heavier, you would not have seen this..." It made me so much more grateful and proud of my accomplishment... and so extremely happy for all the support I had over the last year and 8 months. I've now been home from vacation for almost 2 weeks and have started my training at WW... which I can already tell I'm going to love! I mean, what beats being able to help other people feel proud of their accomplishment or encourage them to keep working towards being a happier, healthier person!?
So I had lost 123.8 pounds to get to my goal... but I've lost a further 1.2 pounds even though I'm just trying to maintain right now... so I've lost an even 125. I've been maintaining for a month and I have two more weigh-ins til I become a lifetime member!!
Again, thank you everyone for your continual support... I'll continue to write on here every now and then to talk about my weight loss thing... maybe slightly different in nature (more about coping with what I look like now rather than trying to lose weight stuff), but I hope it'll still be helpful. Love you all!!

"I've got a new life. You would hardly recognize me I'm so glad" ~Ace of Base

2010-06-10T14:31:00.000-07:00

I was thinking of foregoing the post this week. I haven't written the last few weeks... Plus, I broke the big news on facbeook, so it's not like any my "readers" don't know what happened. Yet I've decided to write this post anyway for myself in the future. Yes, I know... how very dramatic of me haha... But seriously, I want to make sure I don't go back to how I was... so I figure if I have something like this at my disposal, it may be easier to maintain.
I have reached my goal :) After 1 year and 7 months (to the very day, how cosmic is that!?), I have lost 123.8 pounds!! Ok, so some of you may be thinking "Wait, on facebook it says 124.8" and some may be thinking "But if you look at what you lost in conjunction with last weeks number, obviously it's just 123.6 pounds"... but here's the thing... sometime at the beginning of my weighing-ins, one of the receptionists did the math wrong, so I've always lost .2 more than what my tracker says.... the other number is because, probably out of excitement, the WW leader who wrote down the number in my weight tracker wrote it down wrong-- did the math wrong... which I found out later. BUT, if you subtract what I started from what I am now, you get a whopping 123.8 pounds!!!
So the big reveal!
On November 8, 2008 I weighed in at 253.6 pounds, wore a size XXXL shirt, and a size 24 pants. My ring size was something around 10 or 11 and I wore size 9.5 shoes. As of June 8, 2010 I weighed in at 129.8. Depending on the brand, I wear anything from a XS to M, but mostly Smalls. I wear a size 4 pants. My ring size is 7 and I wear size 8 shoes. I know, I know... it's weird to think my feet even shrunk, but there's no doubt about it... Definitely have smaller feet now, which is really strange. But I guess it makes sense... not just that fat can be stored there, but if I'm carrying all that extra weight around, my feet must have been swollen from it all. There are some other measurement changes that are even more astonishing, but I'll keep those to myself haha.
There are things that have changed that I really didn't think would be effected by my weight loss. For example: I'm much cleaner... my car and bedroom in particular are much cleaner. Because I don't go through drive thru fast foods as much anymore, I don't have take out bags littering my car. My night stand, which used to be constantly littered with half eaten tubs of ice cream and candy bars, just has books on it and a glass for my water. Now, my bed continues to be unmade-- so that has stayed the same haha-- but all the same, I'm cleanER than I was :)
Then there were the things I knew would change that I was so excited to have change that have, indeed, changed hahaha.... For example: I fit VERY easily into movie theater seats now haha. It's so weird now to think that at one time the arm rests dug so deep into my thighs that I'd have huge red marks on my thighs by the end of the movie. Now I can have my arms lying by my side and STILL not touch the arm rests.... but that could also be because of the next change: I can cross my legs!!! hahaha, I don't think you guys understand how uncomfortable it is for a girl as short as me who can't cross her legs when she sits... But now I can! And now I find that I cross my legs even in the most weirdest of places... like you wouldn't expect to have someone cross their legs in the car, I don't think, but I do. It feels so good to be ABLE to do it, that I can't help it haha. I can also cross my legs indian style in a chair... like at a desk at school. Yeah. Never thought that would happen haha.
Shopping is nicer now too. I used to hate shopping, and now it's one of my favorite past times :) I don't even need to buy anything... I just like looking and trying stuff on. Gone are the days when I got something solely because it fit. I can now get things because I like them and not get things because I don't like them :)
The guys thing... which I have written about so often on this blog... is still an issue, but it's not the same issue I had before. I think I'll always be considered the "best friend/sister" type to any guy who attempts to get to know me. I don't know what I do wrong, but I throw off a definite "let's be friends" vibe, unfortunately. I still have yet to find a guy who attempts to get to know me and has not gotten that friend vibe haha. But, one change is that guys who don't attempt to get to know me now seem to pay more attention. "Mall guys", as my sister so aptly named them, have made going to the mall alone an uncomfortable experience. When I'm with a friend, I don't seem to notice it as much, but when I'm alone, it's uncomfortably noticeable that I'm getting the "OK" from them. Like my sister said, "It's like you can see they're undressing you with their eyes"... it makes me feel objectified and violated. Though, not all this attention is bad... more doors are opened for me, waiters are more attentive, cashiers are kinder.
The thing is, the biggest change and the most important change I've witnessed is in myself. I can't believe how much happier I am now. I mean, I still have bad days like any other normal person... but as a whole, I feel so much-- lighter-- not just weight wise, but spirit wise. I'm more ready to have fun and be happy-- whereas before I think it was like I was daring people and events to try and make me happy and have fun, you know? I know I carry myself differently because of this... I'm more open... I feel free (as crazy as that sounds)... I'm more comfortable with who I am and what I like and what I don't like. It's hard to put into words, I guess... or at least write it down. I think if I were to TALK to someone about it, it would be a lot easier to explain. But let's just say I can't remember the last time I cried myself to sleep, and I used to cry myself to sleep at LEAST once a week. I mean, sure, I still have my insecurities, which has led me to tears a couple times in the last couple months... being a single 21 year old girl who STILL has yet to be asked out by a guy is extremely rough.... but that's because I'm upset that guys don't like me... not because I don't like me. Not to sound all prideful or whatever, but I really like myself! haha... I think I'm a pretty nice person! And I really don't see anything TOO bad with how I look... I mean, I've got a wonky nose and a crooked smile that I'm not a huge fan of... but at the same time... meh... they give me character. Separates me from the plastics, right? :) So I really don't mind even those. I just wish guys didn't mind those either hahaha.
Anyway... so this is what I want to say to future Katy: You've been heavy and now you've been thin and you KNOW that there is no question that how you felt when you were/are thin is a million times better than when you were heavy. There really is no greater feeling than living in a strong, powerful, capable, and healthy body. There are no limits to what you can do. Don't give up for the world. It wouldn't be worth it.
Ok. Well, I've gotta get going.. going to England in a couple days for celebration and have things to do! :) I'll start working as a receptionist when I get back and then I'll start training to be a leader :) I'm so happy, there are no words! Thanks to all of you who have been there for me from the very beginning. I love you and feel very blessed to have all of you in my life.

"I need a minute to get my head straight" ~Imagine Dragons

2010-04-27T20:28:00.000-07:00

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! I am so friggin' giggly! You want to know why?!!? I lost 3.4 pounds this week... for a total of 118.6... BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!?! IT MEANS I'M FINALLY WITHIN MY HEALTHY BMI RANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know when (if ever) I was last in my healthy BMI range!! Like, I was the biggest baby out of my brothers and sisters when I was born... ok? So I actually think I've always been on the big side... always overweight for my height/age/sex. But today I am officially healthy!!!! I AM NORMAL!!!!!!! I mean, I'm all for being different and all-- I'm the type who sings musicals and dances in grocery store aisles-- but I'm definitely ok with being termed "normal" in this category :) I've been wanting to be "normal" in this category for a loooonnng, loooonng, time. I've been bursting out in random giggles over it the last few hours. Eventually I'm sure the shock of it will wear off, but right now I'm dealing with it through the giggles. hahahaha.
And, you know, really quick before I move on to the rest of my blog, I want to talk about the wonderfulness of having a good friend/buddy while losing weight. I've been so lucky because my family has been super supportive of me... even though most of them live in a different state than me, they have all been great at helping me keep motivated. Yet, there's something to be said for that friend who lives in the same city as you and is supportive. I have had friends who were definitely not supportive... and it's not like they were all outwardly unsupportive in that they pushed cookies in my face and said I couldn't do it (though some of them did do those things).... but, like, if I had a good week and they had a bad week, they couldn't muster up the excitement for me, or tried to make themselves feel better by downplaying my good week, you know? Or if we both had good weeks, they would make it into a competition: if they lost more, they'd gloat about how they "won", if they lost less, they'd make a big huff about "losing." When I have a good week, I don't want to hear some person justify my loss. I want to be excited!! I don't want to feel guilty about it! So tonight I was at the meeting and there's this girl, Priscilla, who I've gotten to be pretty good friends with over the last month or two-- we're about the same age, both go to the same school, and she has to lose about as much as I had to lose-- anyway, I weighed in before she did and I was super stoked about my great week... and then she found out that she had lost over 4 pounds that week and reached her next 5 pound mark!! Now, this was a huge deal for her for a number of reasons 1) Last weekend she had a birthday to go to that she was super worried about the week before, but she planned it all out and (obviously) did well! 2) She has been yo-yo-ing the last month or two... losing 2 pounds, gaining two pounds, losing three pounds, gaining 2 pounds. It's been terrible for her. And last week she had lost 2 pounds, so she was worried that there was no way she would be able to actually lose again. SHE WAS WRONG! :) But anyway, so she was super stoked and I was super stoked!.... And you know what??? We let each other be super stoked!!! I almost started crying over her accomplishment and she almost started crying over mine :) Throughout the meeting we would get so excited that we would randomly hug each other haha... I am just so happy that I had her with me tonight, you know? I'm glad I had someone who could be happy for me and who I could be happy for without any of the competition stuff. So anyway. That's all. haha
So, I will be quick with this next thing because I don't know if it will really make sense anyway... much less who would really care about this... but it's something I'm having to deal with now. You know, before I started losing weight, I didn't really grasp how big I actually was... I'd look in the mirror or in pictures and think "Oh, that's not really how I look... that's just a weird mirror/bad angle/ *insert chosen justification here*" But now I'm thinking I might be doing the opposite. DON'T HATE ME, PLEASE! Ok, I know I'm not morbidly obese anymore and I don't look morbidly obese... but at the same time, I look in the mirror or at my body and I think one of the two following things: 1) That can't be me. That's just a flattering mirror/good angle/etc. (or, when trying on clothes I'll think "A size small!? Gees, their sizes must run big.") 2) I look bigger than the other "normal" people... like, though I know I don't look super over weight, I still sometimes think I look like I am not as tiny as the other girls who are "normal" you know? It's sorta frustrating, not going to lie, because I feel like I'd need to still lose like 15 pounds 'til I can look like those other girls. I mean, please don't think I'm going to try and look like all the other girls and go underweight trying to achieve that... but I still feel a little... put out?... that I don't look like them. BUT, at the same time, I'm really glad that I don't look like I need to lose 20 pounds. I at least look decent, you know? I can shop in any store (except the plus size stores hehehehe) and find something that'll fit me. THAT FEELS AMAZING!
I really just need to learn to cope with how I really look. I don't know how I'll do that, though. Short of standing in front of a mirror and just studying myself for hours on end, I don't think there's much I can do except forget about appearances and just maintain a healthy lifestyle.... which, really, ought to be the way I look at this. So there you go. I'll, uh, give it my best shot...?? haha
ok, back to doing homework. Thanks again for all your support! Love you all!

"Shaking what you got til you're sweating our your pores" ~Down

2010-04-20T19:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, everyone, let me explain. Last week I really did intend to post... but right before I intended on writing, I had another one of my "attacks." For those who don't know, I've been having slight health issues and it's caused more than a little bit of disruption in my activities haha. Anyway, so I ended up having to go to the ER and staying there til 3:30 IN THE AM, and I still had to get up fairly early for class the next day.. and had to stay up late that next night to do homework... and let's just say I'm still waiting to catch up on sleep.
Anyway, last week I gained .4, but I was just happy that it wasn't more... I was so worried that I had gained like 2 pounds that I almost didn't go to the meeting. But I'm really glad I did because the meetings always make me feel better about the past week and better prepared for the next week. This week I lost .6.... which I know isn't anything big... but at the same time, I'm proud that I lost what I gained and a little more. Right now I've kinda resigned to the fact that from here on out, losing weight will go much slower than what I have been used to.... and not that I'm not working hard for it or anything, but I'm getting close enough to my goal, I think, that it's just a bit more difficult to lose weight because I'm working with so few calories, you know? Does that make sense? Maybe I'm just justifying my lack of focus... but even if I am, this is a process and I need to expect ups and downs. So there you go.
Last week I wanted to write about what we talked about in our meeting which is (sorta kinda) what I just got done talking about... about how to keep going and WHY we should keep going. There were so many good analogies and quotes from this meeting, it was insane.. and the meeting came at JUST the right moment! I mean, I had just gained and was feeling pretty down about it... seriously, I don't think you guys could fully understand the depths of my depression over this gain... because I've put some pressure on myself. I mean, ok... The WW territory manager was totally cool about my weight as of now... I'm within the two pounds of hitting the range that all WW employees need to be within in order to work there... plus, they give you a few weeks to get into the healthy range before taking any sort of action... so I'm really not in any risk of getting in trouble with WW over gaining a pound or two right now.... but personally, I was feeling like I was a failure and a disappointment to the WW people if I gained. Like, it was super embarrassing to have Janet (the local WW leader/receptionist) put that +.4 on my booklet when she knew that I was going to start working there soon.... not that she said or did anything to imply that, but my conscience is super inventive haha. PLUS.. I'll just come right out and say it: There's this guy, ok, and I hadn't seen him in a few months... and though it's not like he'd be able to tell whether I gained a pound or two in the last week (He would probably be shocked at my having lost ten pounds since I last saw him), but I wanted to look really good... and personally I was upset cause I felt like I could've looked better if I had maybe done something more. So anyway, I was feeling pretty craptastic sitting there in WW... and of course my fellow WW buddy, Priscilla, wasn't there to make me feel better... so I was being all sullen and self-pitying and then the meeting started :) Sometimes I get so caught up in the number on the scale that I forget that losing weight (strangely) is not just about the number on the scale. Janet started the meeting out with the headline "Awareness about the person you are becoming" and by asking those of us who have been going for a while the difference we see in ourselves... our personality, habits, etc... since we started and what it exactly means... how does it play out in our daily lives, with our interactions with others, in the activities we do, the things we think, or choose to do. Of course, because I have been going for longer than nearly all the other members there (and because Janet knows I don't mind being 'picked' on haha), Janet asked me specifically to answer the question. So I took a little time to think about it and, really, absolutely everything about me has changed... I honestly feel like a friend I last saw 2 years ago were to see and speak with me now, they'd be completely shocked at the difference. While I'm certainly not going to be walking by a crowd of boys in a swim suit anytime soon, I feel much more confident with myself.... both in appearance and personality. My choices are ALL influenced by my new lifestyle... I walk to school as opposed to driving, I'll willingly (mostly voluntarily) do something... ANYTHING... if it means moving. It may sound weird, but I'm even more willing to go hang out with friends now.... See, before I was always a little uncomfortable with myself so I was uncomfortable with others looking at me and being with me and so on... but now I'm comfortable with how I look and I feel so good that I really don't mind being with people. So I have realized that the person I have become (and the person I am still working towards becoming) is something to be proud about and something to work towards. I am a confident, hard-working, determined girl (woman?) and I am becoming a patient and understanding woman. Janet continued the meeting with the quote "Self Knowledge is the beginning of improvement." ISN'T THAT SO TRUE!?!?! I mean, if I know myself well enough to know that I eat when I'm sad/bored/angry/etc, then I'll better prepare myself and know what to do when I get sad/bored/angry/etc so as to not throw off my progress... For instance, I know that my first instinct when I'm angry is to grab something really greasy and meaty... Mmmm, pizza, burgers, fried chicken-- AND YET-- because I know this about myself, I have started going to the gym instead when I'm angry... there's something about sweating that makes me feel so much better... and I tend to burn more calories than usual when I work out while I'm angry... So not only do I skip out on maybe 1000 extra calories I would've consumed, but I work off probably 200-300 MORE calories than I would've in my regular work out. I feel better in the moment, and I feel WAY better about myself later. BUT... if I do let myself go down the wrong path, I shouldn't wallow in it. Janet used the falling off the bike analogy: When you fall off a bike, you don't just lie in the middle of the road in a heap and think "Well, I might as well just stay here because I messed up." OF COURSE NOT! CAUSE THAT'S RIDICULOUS AND YOU'LL GET RAN OVER BY A CAR! Serious... if you allow yourself to just give up after messing up, then you're essentially giving up on your life... cause this really is about your life-- it's your health! So if you fall off program, don't sweat it... get back on the program and keep going. You owe it to yourself.
Anyway, so, as Forrest Gump would say, that's all I've got to say about that.
I'm kinda nervous about the weekend... I'm going to a birthday party that's being held at the local pasta company and the last time I went there was before I joined WW... and I used to go there fairly often for the multi cheese ziti that was HEAVENLY and SOO not WW approved. But I just looked at their menu and they have a light menu available... so that's a relief.
Ok, so I need to go watch my lovely LOST... Have a good week everyone!

"SHAKE MY BODY!" ~ Imagine Dragons

2010-04-06T20:06:00.000-07:00

So I haven't written in a while... SORRY! Sounding like a broken record, I know. I gained 2.2 the day after my last post... sad, sad day. In my defense, I weighed in at a different scale and at a different time than normal... but yeah, you can't fake out 2.2 pounds. The next week I lost 1.8 of those pounds... AND THIS WEEK!!! I lost 3.4 POUNDS!!!!!!!!! For a total of 115 POUNDS!!!!!!! I just can't believe it. But I'm not going to get too excited about this. Why? Well, see, here's the thing. I went to Utah over the weekend for my nephews' birthdays and for Easter... so there was candy, and an Easter feast, birthday cake, and eating out. I did as good as I could... but I wasn't an angel. I had some cake and I was ALL about those Devil Eggs and Honey Baked Ham my sis-in-law made. So while I did okay, I don't think I did well enough to warrant a 3.4 loss... so I think they weight just hasn't hit yet, you know? Like, it's not like you instantly gain 3 pounds after eating a wedge of Cheesecake Factory cheescake, right? It takes a while, I think, for the weight to show on the scale... So maybe next week it'll show?? I dunno. I'm cautious. We'll see.
So I'm hitting the homestretch! I have 1.4 'til I am in the normal BMI range and 8.4 'til I reach my personal goal! I'm getting anxious! But it's good anxiety, I think, because it's making me jittery... which translates to more activity... which translate to burning calories, and so on. So let's hope we'll get no more of this gaining crap, eh? haha
OK... so now for the REALLY good news! A month or two ago I applied online to be a receptionist for weight watchers and I was emailed back inviting me to a group interview.. there were two options, one a month from then at one WW center in Spokane, and one two months from then at another WW center in Spokane. So I chose the option that was a month away and I emailed back asking for the address of that weight watchers center and got the reply. So a month later (last week) I wake home WAY early (4AM!!!) so I can make it to the 9 AM meeting in Spokane (which is 2.5 hours away, in case you don't know). I get to the meeting place and the WW lady there has absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, but she says maybe she just wasn't informed and asked for me to take a seat. Fifteen minutes pass and still no one else is there. So we decide to call the Territory Manager's cell phone... but she doesn't answer. So then I begin to worry that I read the email wrong... wrong date? Wrong time? Wrong address? So I call up my AMAZING Aunt Tina and ask her to go into my email and look up the info... what do we find? Yes, I was at the address she emailed to me and it was the right time... HOWEVER, when looking back at the first email, we found out that that email said the meeting would be at another center in Spokane... so we try calling that center, but still no one picks up. So the WW lady there tries to explain to me how to get to that center... but, of course, her directions were slightly off and I don't have a GPS system in my car... so I ended up driving around the slums of Spokane for a good half hour before calling my AMAZING Aunt Tina AGAIN in tears over not being able to find this stupid center and being 45 minutes late. I was wondering whether it was even worth it to go to the center... surely because I was so late they would disregard me as a candidate to be a receptionist. But I figured I should at least show up and explain my case and HOPE that they would give me a chance. I showed up and the lady, Julie, was just finishing up the group interview and the first thing she says to me was, "Did you REALLY drive ALL THE WAY from Ellensburg this morning!??!" And I laughed and said "Yes" and she shakes her head and says "I am SO sorry! Usually I go down to Ellensburg for those interviews! Why don't you come sit down and I'll finish with this interview and then we'll have our own interview, ok?" Can I tell you guys how RELIEVED I WAS!??! Holy cow, I wanted to cry. haha. So I started the interview and it actually went really well! It was actually my first REAL interview. My job at the clinic was just sorta given to me because of my dad... and I was hired on the spot at the Weber Bookstore because I was there at the right time... so this was my first real interview. I was a little nervous.. especially when she got to the scenario questions... like "What would you do or say to a person who walks in and shows nonverbal signs of being extremely nervous about weighing in" ... But then I took a breath and thought, "You know what? Forget about strategizing or saying the 'right' answers. I'm just going to be honest, and if that's not good enough, then maybe I really shouldn't work for Weight Watchers." So I just told it how I thought it was.. and apparently that was good enough because at the end of the interview Julie said, "Well, usually I like to have people come back for another interview, but since you're in Ellensburg, I'm just going to hire you right off the bat so you don't have to come, okay?" hahaha.. So I'm going to be a Weight Watchers receptionist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to fill out some forms first, but I should start in a couple weeks! I'll be training at the EBurg meeting til I am done with school, and then in summer I will train on the computer system in Tri Cities and (hopefully) get a somewhat full-time job there. Then, around september or October, when I come back to EBurg for school, I will start training to be a Leader! Because I have lost such a significant amount of weight, they want to make sure I am comfortable maintaining this new weight before making me a Leader... so I have to wait 6 months to be a leader... but I think that makes sense. I would be really embarrassed if I became a leader and then had to resign because I couldn't maintain my weight. So this is good! I'M SUPER EXCITED!
Also, I've (somewhat begrudgingly) applied to the WW Role Model of the Year contest. The ladies in Tri Cities asked me to enter and I was urged by my family to do it... and so I started filling out the application and stuff. And then tonight at the meeting when the leader brought up the contest, all the people in the room turned to me and INSISTED I enter this contest. So I told them I was planning on it and they all told me that they would all send letters of endorsement if I needed any hahaha.
I have so much support, it's insane. Thank you, everyone, for everything. I'm so incredibly blessed to have such supportive and encouraging friends. I don't think you guys are fully aware of how much I think about and draw motivation and power from even the slightest kind and encouraging words. When I'm on the treadmill or elliptical or lifting weights, that's all I think about and that's what keeps me moving. So thank you, everyone, for giving me so much motivation. I love and respect you all!

"I'm running, running as fast as I can..." ~ No doubt

2010-03-22T10:18:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I'm going to write today because I highly doubt I'll be able to squeeze in a post tomorrow as I am driving to UTAH with my Mom tomorrow RIGHT after my weight watchers meeting! I don't know how I did this week... I'm almost afraid. Because of how things have been going the last few weeks, I'm petrified by everything. I haven't exercised as much this week (3 out of 7 days unless I manage to hit the treadmill tonight, which, let's face it, probably won't happen) and I did go over points yesterday. I dunno. But I guess I'll try not worrying about it. And instead worry about how I'm going to exercise/eat right over Spring Break. I've got some stuff planned out... exercising with my sis in law and little sister is already plotted... but mostly it's in the air.
So two weeks ago at a WW meeting a girl about my age sat beside me and started off talking by telling me that I have become her inspiration because I was someone her age who has lost a significant amount of weight and it's hard to find someone who can relate to the issues of losing weight while in school. So then we started talking about the issues (Roommates who aren't so supportive, parties, eating out, etc.) and how we got through the issues and motivated ourselves to keep going... at the end of the meeting we were both starving and we were both heading to SUBWAY so we decided we'd have dinner together! So while we were having lunch she said it must be pretty easy for me now compared to when I started. I thought about it and, honestly, that's really not true. In fact, it's getting harder the closer I get. When I weighed over 200 pounds, I was eating because I was bored or tired or out of habit, not because I was hungry... so while it wasn't EASY to give up those eating habits, it certainly wasn't a huge issue. Now, though, a variety of issues are coming into play. For one, now I don't have so many points-- so every point counts... and I want to make SURE I eat food that will fill me up... so it makes choosing what I eat a much thought-about, painful decision. I've found I'm more of a quantity rather than quality person. Of course I want it to taste good, but what I really want is to not have my stomach grumbling at 4pm. Plus, when you're hungry, you're going to eat. That's just how it is and how it ought to be (making sure you separate HUNGER from boredom, tired, stressed, etc. eating). So if I don't have a particularly filling meal, I'm either going to go over points, or going to have skimp pretty big on my next meal so I can eat.
Another issue that is coming into play is that I'M SO CLOSE that I think it's kinda wigging me out. It's weird-- because since I AM so close, I want it that much more, but it's like I'm stressing myself out which causes stress eating (which I try to ignore as much as possible) and I think stress does something to how much you actually lose. So it's going by so slowly and that's painful.
Then there's exercising. I used to hate exercising and now I can't think of a better feeling than when I'm stretching out after a full work out. It's INVIGORATING! Some days I think I really could spend the whole day at the gym. But that's because I really love the elliptical/fitness classes/weight machines. Now that I'm trying to mix up my work out, I'm finding that I REALLY miss my regular workout routine hahaha... I've ran a few times since that first time and, honestly, I get so bored with it so fast. I can do it-- I check myself and I know I can keep going-- but IT'S SO BORING!! I tried getting better music to run to, and it didn't really work... tried watching stuff while I run, but my ipod screen is too small so when I run, I go up and down and that little screen also goes up and down and I end up with a massive head ache about 5 minutes later. I think I could do the stationary bikes thing... but after losing 400 calories in a half hour on an elliptical, it's a little tough to swallow 200 calories in the same time, you know? I feel like I have to do MORE and I don't have time to do more. So I want to keep doing my regular elliptical thing, but then I'll get stuck in a rut again... and of course that defeats the whole point in exercising. Fitness classes, though, are turning out to be a saving grace... a work out that changes with each class that is both captivating and high calorie burning. So I'm going to have to really focus in that area.
Anyway... so the point I'm trying to make is that any weight loss, whether it be 12 pounds or 112 pounds, comes with it's own set of difficulties and issues that are difficult as all get out. Don't let anyone tell you or insinuate that you're attempt at losing weight is any less amazing than it is-- because it all is. It's all difficult... no harder for a person who has to lose over 100 pounds than for a person who has to lose 10 because we all have to learn the same lessons to get to that final goal. So congratulations to all those who have lost weight! And I really, honestly, whole-heartledly mean it. You're all inspirations to me! Thanks for all your support!

"There ain't nothing gonna stop me now 'cause I'm almost there!" ~Princess and the Frog

2010-03-17T23:02:00.000-07:00

Down 1.4 pounds for a total of 112!!!! 4.4 pounds til I am in my weight range, 11.4 til goal!!!
I had a bit of an interesting week... which sorta forced me into a different workout routine. It all started Thursday after I got home from walking with a lady I met at Weight Watchers. I was taking a nap and all of a sudden I started having this MASSIVE back/stomach pains... like my whole body was going through a charly horse... Couldn't breathe... all that good stuff. So I went to the ER to, you know, be helped. They didn't do much. Basically just waited til they stopped. It was sorta ridiculous. Kind of a pointless trip. They weren't sure what was wrong since blood work and all that jazz turned up nothing... but they figured, what with the recent weight loss and how much exercising I do, I probably was just having muscle spasms. So they said to lay off exercising a few days and then start back on it slowly. So I did. It was way weird, everyone. I felt like I was totally shirking... and by Sunday I felt like a blob. By Monday I didn't even want to work out-- felt so lazy-- but I forced myself to do it and, oh my heavens, it felt so good afterwards! I love exercising so much it's insane. So I did my regular work out routine Monday and then on Tuesday I went to WW and VOILA! I think I needed that little break.
OK, this is a short message because I'm actually watching a movie with my little sister :) :) But I hope everyone has a good week!

"So I can run, just as fast as I can...." ~P!nk

2010-03-11T10:15:00.000-08:00

So it's been a couple weeks since my last post, and I don't have my weigh-in book to remember how I've done the last few weigh-ins, but they weren't so good. In fact, last week I gained. I mean, I was expecting to gain a little because I decided to stop working out before weigh-ins because it was too exhausting to have to fit that in between classes and the meeting... but I gained over a pound.. I think 1.2. It was pretty devastating. I mean, I know it happens, but it still hurts to see the plus sign instead of the minus sign on my weight book... especially considering I had tried REALLY hard that week to do well-- worked out faithfully, ate within my points, etc... and I gained. I have a hard time dealing with the concept that when it comes to weigh, it's not simple math... it's not like I can say "If I do this and this, I will lose 2 pounds." I think I wrote about this in my last post, but it's still an issue for me. I have grown up believing that my consequences reflect my actions... If I study hard for a test, I will do well; if I spend time on an art project, that art project will look nice... but this isn't like that, apparently. BUT... I did lose 2.4 pounds this week for a total of 110.6! So that's great! But the REALLY fantastic thing was what I did the day before weigh in!
See, I have this nasty habit of getting on the scale at the school gym throughout the week to see how I'm doing. For those of you who have not yet fallen prey to this act: DON'T DO IT!!!! I understand that the weight scale is different from the one at WW and that weight fluctuates about 2 pounds throughout the day, so weighing in on a different scale is really not reliable. But I can't help it. I've kinda gotten the gist of how much the difference is between the two scales, though. So I weighed myself on Monday at the gym scale and it was way higher than what I was expecting and I was so incredibly pissed off. I have been working SOOOO HARD!!!!!!!! It's the end of the quarter and people are celebrating by baking cookies, throwing pizza parties, and having root beer floats and I have said no to the food! I've gone to the parties and been surrounded by such foods, but I have RESISTED!! AND I WASN'T SEEING THE GOOD CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!!
So I got off the scale and had to have a little "me" moment... a little time to myself to regroup and make a new plan in order to get through this. I get emails from WW once a week and each week is a different theme, or rather they focus on different aspects of losing weight. This week was (ironically) what to do when you're in a rut... when you're not just staying at the same weight, but gaining. Most of the articles were about how you need to be brutally honest when it comes to food... don't fudge the numbers. But I can honestly say I do NOT fudge the numbers. I know it is useless to fudge numbers because it's going to still be in me whether I SAY it's 2 points or not. I even went back to all my food and recalculated it all just to make SURE I was not fudging. Another point was to stay within points. That is DEFINITELY NOT an issue for me... seeing as I generally don't even use the 35 extra weekly points or my work out points. BUT, then I read an article about exercising. I do about the same work out 5 times a week.. half hour on the elliptical (400 calories), weights for 20 minutes, stretching and walking for 10 minutes. Wednesdays I have Step Interval and Thursdays is Zumba. And I have done this (with step interval and Zumba) since january. And I have done the elliptical exercise since... Gees, I don't know when! Since at least the beginning of the school year. This article said that a contributing factor to not losing weight/gaining weight is doing the same work out routine for longer than 3 months... because your body builds up the muscle from that certain type of work out and it not longer becomes a work out for your body because it's so efficient at it... Does that make sense? It said that essentially the way to tell whether you are getting a real work out is whether you're in pain the next day haha.... Because pain signifies that you worked muscles that you hadn't been working before.
So I decided I would test this out. AND GUESS WHAT I DID!??!?!? I RAN!!!! Holy cow, peoples! First of all, let me say how petrified I was at even the thought of running where people could see me. In junior high and high school, I was CONSTANTLY teased about how I ran... both because I jiggled when I ran and because apparently I run like a duck...?? And I know the latter was just a joke and all meant to be funny, but it really freaked me out... so much so that I haven't ran as a form of exercising since my last gym class in high school... five years ago. I tried to run a little bit when I first started trying to lose weight (This was done in the comfort of my parent's home gym)... and I got to a minute before I was too exhausted to go on. But I decided I was going to run whether I jiggled or ran like a duck or not! You guys, I ran 2 miles!! The first mile went by pretty fast... mostly, probably, because I was so freaked out about whether I was doing it right of whether people were staring at me that I didn't pay attention to it. The second mile was a little tougher, but once I got to 1.5 miles, I had to go for the full two miles... just for a goal... a goal that I could reach. And I did it!!! AND GUESS WHAT!??! I WAS SORE THE NEXT MORNING!! hahaha.. Then I found out that I had lost 2.4 pounds, so obviously something was wrong with the gym's scale... and I'm not sure how much that run played into my big weight loss.... but I actually really enjoyed running! I'm going to have to find something to keep my attention while I run, though, so it goes by faster. The second mile was excruciating, not because I was tired, but because I was bored. Any suggestions? Also, does anyone know of any good running songs? I really like P!nk's "Just Like a Pill" as well as pretty much anything else by her for when I work out.... but I need a variety :)
Ok, well, I have studying to do! Have a good week!

"I could've danced all night...." Eliza Dolittle

2010-02-21T22:37:00.000-08:00

I know this blog is pretty late and I'll be writing my next one here in the next couple days, but I have to share an experience :)
So first off, I broke my plateau! I lost 2.2 pounds for a total of 108.6! I did a little dance and the ladies waiting in line got all excited for me because they knew (out of experience) how hard it is to keep going when you're stuck in a rut and how thrilling it is to finally have your hard work show on the scale. So it was a happy time :) And then our meeting turned out to be on eating out-- and everyone in my meeting knows that I know my sheesh when it comes to eating out. I have memorized the points for a meal for nearly every restaurant in my home town haha. I know what to get where. So they ended up asking me a lot of questions on how to eat out, be full, and not have to spend 2 days worth of points. So it made me feel all knowledgeable and stuff. :)
But that's not the experience I wanted to share.
So we're coming back to the boy thing again. I don't think we need to rehash what I've already talked about in this blog a few times before. If you're confused, read back a few blogs and catch up haha.
OK, so I went home this weekend because A) my parents are amazingly awesome and I love spending time with them and B) There was a regional Young Single Adults dance activity in my hometown that my branch was invited to (if the church lingo confuses you, I'm sorry... basically, I went to a big dance with other mormons.) I was sure I was going to chicken out, though. I mean, I went home under the pretense of going to this dance, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking "It won't happen. I can't do it. I'll be going ALONE! And I don't want to sit there holding up the walls the entire night while watching every other girl in that stupid room be asked to dance." (I get really hostile to inanimate objects at church dances, including the room itself, apparently.) But my parents, with the help of a family friend who goes to the same ZUMBA class we go to, gently prodded and pushed me into going. I got a new plaid shirt for the activity (seeing as it was western themed) and I had my hair all curled and ready for the activity. Can I tell you how sick I felt? I dreaded going so bad that I actually thought I could throw up. I felt like I could burst out crying if I allowed myself to... as a sort of pre-emptive strike. I knew... I KNEW I would be crying later, why not start now and get it over with? How did I know? Years of experience. People ask me why I name my car... It's because I've cried, yelled, sobbed, and so much more in that car after dances and other trying experiences that it just seems appropriate to give it a name-- as it is the only object/confidante/friend that has ever heard how I truly feel after dances/social activities. I mean, going to dances is like being rejected 200 times all at the same time. That HURTS, ok?
So I'm really dreading this night, but I go-- if only to appease my parents and show the people in my branch that I do socialize. I get to the building and am instantly gripped with the fear of standing by myself waiting for people I know to show up. Thankfully as soon as I walk in I see a good gal pal from my branch who I cling onto-- which turns out to be totally unnecessary because 5 minutes later a whole van full of girls from my branch come in and they swarm around me. We took a table and instantly started talking. We get dinner (which was a trial for me since people of the church apparently can't make anything without 5 cubes of butter), eat dinner, socialize more, roll up the tables and LET THE DANCING BEGIN! I had an old high school buddy who stood by me while we learned to line dance... And that same high school buddy sat by me while the dancing went on... and that same high school buddy ended up asking me on a date. So that was, you know, pretty different from normal lol. He left a while later and, thank heavens, a fast song I knew and loved started and I couldn't help myself-- I got in the middle of my branch's little clump (because mormons don't know how to dance to fast song unless they're in circles) and started spazzing out with other girls to the song... which thoroughly amused the male part of the group. I realize I'm not like most other girls-- I really don't care how spazzy I look dancing, I'm going to do whatever I feel like! And I'll sing as loud as I want too! So I'm half jumping/moshing half squiggling with my hands above my head singing some song really loudly and way off tune and I really don't care. After the song ends I am fully aware that the guys in the group are pretty much stunned silent by my skilled display of... well, anyway... and the girls are looking like Christmas came early. The next song is fast and the girls follow my example at throwing caution into the wind... Midway through the song, the guys join in on the craziness. Yahoo for the crazies! And then... oh my gosh... and then... the worst thing imaginable happened.... A slow song started. And I was in the middle of the dance floor. With a group of 3 guys and 5 girls. The natural high I was feeling just ten seconds before plummeted. I looked around the room nervously, anxious for an easy exit. People are already pairing off and I feel like I'm caught in the middle of the gym with my pants down. I nudge a friend and say "Um, should we move off the dance floor then?" And she shrugs and looks at the guys expectantly/hopefully. I don't want to look at them-- I don't want to guilt them into dancing with me or whatever-- but I have to. That morbid part of my brain forces me to look at the boys who are going to reject me all. night. long. But a surprising thing happens. I look up at one of the guys-- the one I know the most out of the group-- and he shoots one arm around my waist and holds my hands without even asking if I wanted to dance. I laughed-- because I was so full of emotions that laughter was the only way to expel all those emotions. It was a good dance, too! I learned something about him that I hadn't known before... we talked easily... and he twirled me :) Have I mentioned here before how I'm a huge sucker for being twirled? I love being twirled. It's my weakness. So that was pretty awesome. And then I was asked by a guy I didn't know. And then I was asked by a guy in my branch that I had seen before but never talked to... and he was a very enthusiastic dancer haha-- he loved twirling me all over the place... He actually ended up dancing with me again 1.5 times (the last 30 seconds of one song haha). It was so much fun! And then another guy from my branch asked me to dance and we pretty much made everyone in the gym jealous by our mad singing skills-- yeah, we totally rocked out to Norah Jones' "Don't Know Why" as long as humanly possible. You guys!! I didn't ask a single guy to dance!! And I still danced!! It was such a weird experience! And then on top of all that, I was absolutely stoked because I was able to dance to all the spazzy fast songs without having to sit down because I am in shape! At one point in my boogeying, two girls starting talking about how they wished they had my thighs. That's right. You read that correctly. They wanted my thighs. Because apparently they're pretty muscular. So. All right. I'll take it. hahaha. But I was jumping up and down and all over the place and I wasn't the least bit worn out by the end of the night! AND I DID THE COTTON- EYE JOE DANCE! ... that is saying something.
I left the night feeling so so so good! I had made friends! And I actually felt kinda pretty! I mean, I know I'm not supposed to depend on how I feel about myself based on how others feel about me-- but it certainly helps to be told haha.
So anyway, it was a great experience.... one that I don't think I'd have had (at least not to this magnitude) were I at the weight I was before. So. YAY!! haha.
All right, I need to go to bed. Night everyone!

"I just want to keep on loving you!!" ~REO Speedwagon

2010-02-09T20:51:00.000-08:00

What I love most about Weight Watchers are their meetings. I’m not kidding. I know my blog is already a major “pro Weight Watchers” deal, and I’m sorry about that… but I can’t help it. It is such a great program! Yes, they can improve, but all in all, I think it is the best weight loss program out there. Because not only are they teaching you to eat well right now, but they’re giving you tools to continue eating well after you reach your goal AND they help you pin point exactly where you went wrong before—whether it be seeing that you snack a lot between meals, or some psychological issue. All of these issues are tackled in the WW meetings. The meeting topics are always helpful, and it helps so much to hear other WW member’s comments in the meetings because it A) Helps me realize that I am not the only one who thinks or does certain things and B) Helps me get ideas for how to fix my issues. Nearly every “trick” I have picked up along the way came from meetings.
Today I really appreciated my meeting. I didn’t lose or gain this week. Initially it was a sock to my stomach. It seems I have hit another plateau. I haven’t lost anything big in a long time. It seems to be going by waayyyyy slow. And it’s especially painful given how FRIGGIN’ CLOSE I AM TO GOAL!!!!!!! Oh. My. Gosh. YOU GUYS! I have 10 pounds ‘til I am within the healthy weight range for my height, and 17 pounds ‘til I reach goal. At the rate I HAD been going, that 17 pounds would be off in 9 weeks. Now I feel like it could take me another year to get it off. It, in all likelihood, will not take me a year… but that’s what it feels like right now. So I sit down for my meeting—all brooding and depressed and whatnot. But then the meeting starts and they hand out the 5 pound awards, which gets me into a bit of a better mood. I love the excitement in the people who get the awards ☺ They’re too funny. So I’m doing a little better at this point. Then we start our meeting. The topic is making weight loss a priority in your life—realize that you are worth spending time and energy on… in essence: Love yourself (Get it? VDay… Love... hahahaha, Oh Weight Watchers! You clever people!) Good topic, but it wasn’t THAT effective for me because I have already gotten into the habit of making time for myself and making exercise and eating right a priority in my life. I don’t have problems, anymore, with asking people if we can eat somewhere healthy or asking friends if I can bring something healthy to a meal so I’ll have something to eat. It’s actually gotten to the point where people, without me having to say anything, say, “And Katy, we’ll have some healthy stuff, too, but if you want, you can bring a veggie tray or something.” So that was that. But then the members in my meeting started raising their hands and commenting. One lady raised her hand and said that she had lost only .4, but considering it was Superbowl weekend, she’s just happy she didn’t gain. I can tell you exactly what went through my mind at that moment: “Oh, yeaahhhh. Superbowl is a big thing for everyone. Everyone gets the munchies on Superbowl! I’m not just weaker than the average person!” That was such a relief to hear! Because, you know what, I had my veggie tray at the house I went to for Superbowl—but there was pizza and a meat tray and a cheese tray and those little hot dog things. Oh man. I COULDN’T STOP MYSELF! I had to keep snacking! I hated myself afterward. So hearing that I’m not weirder or weaker than everyone else made me feel a whole lot better. And you know… I didn’t gain. So that’s something. Then another lady raised her hand and said that the one thing she would want to tell everyone out of her experience is to keep coming to meetings, whether you had a bad week or not. It keeps you accountable and you learn tips to keep you going and keep you motivated. So that made me feel better. I came. I stayed. Despite my bad week and my bad mood, I stayed. And then it came to the end of the meeting, and our WW leaders like to end meetings with a quote. This week’s quote was too perfect: “Strive for persistence, not for perfection. You have the heart, the mind, and the body will follow.” That’s exactly right! I’m a perfectionist when it comes to certain things, and I am finding that weight loss is one of them. But it shouldn’t be that way. Persistence is key. As long as I continue trying, I should count every week a good week. The week I give up will be the week I truly did badly. I left the meeting near tears because I was so freaking happy. That meeting was exactly what I needed to get through this next week. I just need to keep on going and eventually I will break through this plateau. Actually, I just now remembered that one of the ladies who is now a receptionist at the meeting I go to had this same problem about a year ago. She was a member at that time and she had hit a MAJOR plateau—it had been, I think, months since she had budged at all on the scale. I remember she made comments in class about how she just didn’t know what to do and how discouraging it was and so on. But she kept coming to class and I remember the weak she finally broke through her plateau… she was SOOO happy! And, obviously, she reached her goal eventually. I’ll keep that in mind from now on. I’m actually really glad I remembered that haha.
Now, I’m going to finish this post with a challenge we had in WW today… everyone write yourself a Valentine! Have it say something really encouraging… something you would give to a friend… because, as I said last week, we OUGHT to be thinking of ourselves as our own friends. If you WOULD LIKE (hint hint) maybe comment on here what your Valentine would say ☺
Hope you all have a great Vday weekend!!

"I go out walkin' after midnight out in the moonlight..." Patsy Cline

2010-02-02T19:16:00.000-08:00

So I didn't post last week because of the post I had done the day before and because I wasn't proud of what I had done. I had lost .4, which, you know, is good in that it's down and not up, but I thought I had done so well-- stayed within my points, exercised oodles and oodles... and I get a.4. Wasn't too happy. But, this week I lost 1.8! For a total of 106.4! So that's exciting! I thought about what might've happened last week to make the not-so-good number, and I think it's because I had gained a lot of muscle. I've started doing weights regularly and I added on two more fitness classes that take time to do weights and building muscle, so I think that's what happened. Hopefully next week I'll have a huge number.
So I had an interesting experience this last weekend. It was my roommates 21st birthday, so we took a quick road trip over the mountains to where her family lives. It was lots of fun! Her family was so nice and it was cool to see where she grew up and the people she always told me about, etc. So in the morning my roomie and I went to the mall (AN ACTUAL MALL!!! The closest thing we have here to a mall is Fred Meyer) just to walk around and look at things. When I started to lose weight, I knew I looked big, but now when I look at pictures-- I don't think I realized I was THAT big, you know? Like I had seen pictures of myself and whatever, but I guess I sorta explained it away as "a bad angle," you know? I'm worried that I'm doing that now. I see pictures of myself and I look pretty normal, but then I think "Am I just not seeing it? Do I still look way over weight? Or do I just look a little chubby? Or do people see me as "normal"?" Now, I know I look different from when I started. I honestly can see a change. But I guess I'm guess I'm not totally sure exactly WHAT I look like now. Sometimes I think "Wow! I'm looking really good!" And other times I think I look terrible. Well my Roomie and I are walking around the mall, mainly doing window shopping and somehow we get on the topic of weight and how we look and I say "I am still chubby. I mean, people keep saying 'oh my gosh! you're so thin!' but I know it's not real. They're just comparing me to what I used to be. I'm not thin yet. I'm still chubby, I know." My roomie gives me this look like "are you crazy?" and says "Katy. You're not chubby. I mean, yeah, you have some more to lose, but you're not chubby at all." I shrug and say "Whatever" hoping that it would end the conversation-- I knew what I knew, and I knew I was chubby. But my roomie doesn't let up. She says "No, Katy, seriously. It's like you need to go to rehab or something like that so you can finally start seeing that you're not chubby anymore. You really aren't." I laugh and say "Rehab, huh? You're funny. I now what I am. I mean, it's my body, you know?" And my roomie says "Ok, fine. But remember this: You now wear smaller pants size than me, so every time you call yourself 'chubby,' what am I supposed to think you're thinking of me?" I felt really bad after that. She was right. Why is it that I can tell her"you look so great! Don't call yourself fat!" and mean it, but I can't do that for myself? My mom said a similar thing to me last weekend while she visited. But the thing is, I don't know how to change. It's way too weird for me to think "I look good!" and honestly mean it. Ironically, our WW meeting touched on that today. We talked about how we need to be our own best friends and make sure our thoughts about ourselves are things we would be willing to say to our friends. So you can't think "Oh my gosh, I look so fat today. I look terrible. I shouldn't have gotten out of bed," because (I would hope) you wouldn't say that to your friend. Be more forgiving of yourself. Think positive and move on. I really don't know how I'm going to move past this, but I guess I'll at least try to keep myself from having negative thoughts.
Anyway! I have to go! LOST starts in 3 minutes!!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!! Ok, have a good one :)

"I am an arms dealer fitting you with weapons in the form of words" ~Fall Out Boy

2010-01-25T21:11:00.001-08:00

I know it's Monday, and I'm not supposed to post nor do I weigh in 'til tomorrow. But tonight I had a very interesting conversation with a really good friend of mine, and I think the topic merits a post because it's something I had to deal with and I have had so many people come up and talk to me about this same issue... I don't know why I haven't written about it more.
I think it's pretty much a consensus that we all care about what people think about us. Even people who claim they don't care what other people think of them care what people think... otherwise why get dressed in the morning? Why spend even a dime on clothing, make up, or grooming products? I mean, I could do without getting up an hour and a half before class just so I'm presentable for everyone else. (And for those people who get ready in 20 minutes: a) I hate you b) how do you do it? Remember, "getting ready" includes the shower the night before!) I'm currently on a very tight budget (as I think we all are in this economy) and I could really use that money for something else-- like food... something I actually really need. But I skimp and save so I can look presentable because I care what people think about me. We all do.
I think there's a delicate balance, though, between caring too much and caring too little... and I think if you were to clump the people who care too much or too little in a group, you would have a fair amount of people with weight issues (both under and over weight). It seems strange to think that a person who is over weight got there because he/she cares too much about what people think... because wouldn't you think it would be the opposite? With my experience, I know that's not true. How did I get the way I am? Because I wanted to fit in, strange as that sounds. My friends all ordered desserts, they ate the Big Macs, and they stuffed themselves on fries and jelly bellys. I wanted to be one of the girls! I wanted to be Rory Gilmore! I wanted to eat an entire pizza with marshmellows and licorice. I took that brownie because my friends told me I should! I had seconds because I didn't want my host to think I was rude or didn't like their food! The consequence was 120 pounds of excess weight. I cared more about others and fitting in than I did about myself and it hurt me. I have been in weight watchers for over 14 months and I'm still 20 pounds away from my goal-- and I'm apparently losing weight really fast. Sometimes I want to just hit my head against the wall and yell "WHY DID I DO THIS!?!?" (sometimes I have done just that.)
But has this stopped since I started losing weight? Hell no. At times I think it's worse now for a variety of reasons-- some reasons you might be able to relate to, some you might not understand, but I'll share them all anyway.
It is now pretty much public knowledge that I have lost over 100 pounds (for regular readers of this blog who don't know, I haven't been telling people about how much I've lost or what I'm doing unless they ask... so not very many people knew how much I had lost)... spread through word of mouth and facebook. I don't mind too much... I love Weight Watchers and the new life I have found so I love talking to people about it. At the same time, though, it kind of sucks. Sometimes I feel like I can't screw up AT ALL or I'll disappoint those who have encouraged me and helped me out this far, or I'll give too much happiness to those who hate me. So I know I shouldn't care what others think-- I'm doing this for me and those who support me wouldn't care that I screw up and those I hate... well, who cares about them anyway?... Um, me? It's terrible, I know, but it's true and I think it's better to acknowledge the truth, no matter how ugly it is, so that I/we can deal with it straight on.
Another issue I have with people caring too much/people knowing I'm doing WW is I feel like they're all watching me eat and work out, you know? Like Miss Snotty Nose (not literally, but that image does bring a smile to my face) who sees me eating a hamburger or a foot long subway sandwich and gives that pointed look like "Ugh, isn't that how you gained all that weight?" I've even had people say "Um, should you be eating that? I mean, you're on a diet, right?" Ooohhhhhhhhhh. Can you feel that at the back of your neck? It's like my spine freezes and it takes everything in my power to not say "Um, should you be acting like that? I mean, you are supposed to have feelings, right?" Kind of on the same lines but on the opposite spectrum is the "Oh, you've been dieting for HOW LONG now? You can have this brownie. It won't hurt. Just one. You deserve it. You can't starve yourself. You can work out at the gym another time." Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Now, I've never had this one, but I have heard friends and people in my meetings talk about how people will throw the kids thing at them. Like, "You should be spending more time with your kids, and not so much time at the gym." or in some other way insinuate that you're a bad parent for taking care of yourself. Ohhhhhhhhhhh.
Then there's the problem that I think any person who goes to Weight Watchers deals with: The woman who weighs you in. Do you ever wonder what she's thinking when she weighs you in? Do you think when she weighs you in that first time she's thinking "My gosh, this woman's big!"? Do you think after you've gained and you're trying to tell her exactly why you went up, she's really thinking "Excuses, excuses, excuses"? Or if you've stayed the same for 3 months, she's thinking "You're just not trying hard enough. Why are you even still coming. You're wasting your money and my time" ? I'm going to feel really stupid if you all say no to these questions because I have thought every single one of them. I drive myself crazy trying to figure out what the weigh-in ladies are thinking when they weigh me in. Even when I have a really good week, I wonder "Do they think I starved myself to get that number? Are they going to pull me aside and give me an anorexic pamphlet? Will they believe me when I say that I honestly didn't do anything different this week?"
Oh yes. I care A LOT. But I have come up with the solution to all of these problems. It is called "BITCH, YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!" Doesn't it just roll off the tongue? I came up with this idea the other day... my roommate was watching "Baby Mama" with her boyfriend (who had never seen it before) and I was in the next room having lunch... and it came to the part where Amy Poehler yells at Tina Fey "Bitch! I don't know your life!" And it clicked! That's the key! Whenever you get anxious about what a person thinks... they give you that look that insinuates that you shouldn't be eating that thing, or you should be eating that thing, or you're a bad parent, or you're wasting your time, or whatever... either think or say (I'm not picky) "BITCH! YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!" because they DON'T!!!! I'm not a very confrontational person (most the time) so I just like to think it... but my roommate pretty much tells anyone who gives her the slightest awkward glance. And you know what? It helps! It's at least helped me. Because while I still really do care about what people think... the truth is, they have no idea what I'm dealing with and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be able to do any better than how I'm dealing with it if they were put in my situation. Now, don't use this phrase as a cop out, ok? Because then it loses it's power... and you know when you're just making excuses and when it's real.
Case and point: 2 weeks ago after my ww meeting I went to subway and ordered a foot long turkey breast WITH cheese. That's right. I went there. 12 glorious points, not even counting the chips I bought. But there was a lady from my WW group (a newer member) standing behind me (Subway is sort of the place to go after our meetings). And I look back and smile and she gives me this little smile, her eye brow raises, and she gives a significant glance at my sandwich. I think she thought she was trying to help me and not trying to be malicious, you know? I think she thought I was going off the deep end and she thought that by giving me that little look, I would realize it wasn't worth gaining back all my weight and I would be eternally grateful to her for being my ww sponsor. I'm going to be optimistic and think that's what she meant by that look. Instead though, I got all heated with embarrassment and anger. I don't eat before weigh ins! So after weigh in I still have 21 points for the rest of the day! I can afford my foot long sub with chips and cheese! Now, isn't this the opportune time to yell "BITCH! YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!"??? Of course, I didn't and I will probably never actually tell that to someone (I say probably because I actually can think of a couple scenarios with a couple people where I'd be more than happy to yell that at) but it makes me feel so much better to just think it. I knew what I was doing wasn't wrong. I knew that even if I didn't lose weight that coming week, it wouldn't be because of that sandwich... I followed the rules. I stayed within points. If I stay the same or gain, it's for some other odd reason, and not because of that.
As Tom Hanks says in YGM "It's not personal. It's business. Repeat that to yourself every time you feel you are losing your nerve! I know you're afraid. Don't. Fight. Fight to the death!" You guys all deserve to be happy and to be happy with yourselves. Don't let what other people MIGHT be thinking get you down or make you discouraged. Remember: If you keep at it, then you can rub your skinny butt in their faces at the end.
This sounds like a very vindictive post... not very compassionate thought process that I'm condoning... But if it works, it works. I hope it works for you. I'll post again tomorrow! Have a good night everyone!

"Into the great wide open...." ~Tom Petty

2010-01-19T22:02:00.001-08:00

Down 1.8 this week for a total of 104.2!!! Oh man, you guys! You have no idea how stressed I was about this weigh in! I had a spontaneous trip down to Utah to visit family and while my family was very supportive, there's only so much they can do, right? So I ate out A LOT... and a lot of the places I went to didn't even have nutritional facts available. It was stressful. Plus, I didn't have time to work out. So I was worried that I didn't lose at all-- maybe even gained. So yahoo! I guess I'm learning!!
So I've decided to do something and I want people to help me out, eh? Starting in summer, I am going to do the things I couldn't/wouldn't do or couldn't do WELL over the last few years because of my weight. That's right. At least, I'm going to try... as far as my money allows me haha. It's going to be INTENSE! I've thought about it and I've come up with a little list:
1. Hike up Mt. Rainier and/or Mt. St. Helens. Last time I did this, I was 16 and it nearly killed me.
2. Run/jog a mile. NO WALKING! Never been able to do this. Not sure I even can. But I'll train and try.
3. SKI. I've already talked about this. Hopefully by next winter my calves will be small enough that I can put on ski boots!
4. Get involved in a sport... probably church related because I'm not good at really any sport and the church sport groups are probably the only ones who'd take me haha
5. Swim in a bathing suit without a T-shirt covering me up... I've talked about this before too. I'm going to swim more often and not be so ashamed and/or embarrassed of my body that I have to wear something over top. This probably will be the hardest out of them all, strangely enough.

Now, this is a short list, and I KNOW there are more things out there that i want to do, but they're just not coming to mind. Anyone have any suggestions? This may be cliche, but I feel like I've been given my life back, and I want to get the most I can from it, you know? So I am up for any and all suggestions. Maybe I'll try rock climbing...???

Well, this is a short blog. Don't have much to say this week! Hopefully next week I'll be able to say I am within the weight I need to be in to be a receptionist at WW! I'll let you all know! Have a good week!

"Jump off that sofa! Let's kick it off!" ~Black Eyed Peas

2010-01-12T18:57:00.000-08:00

Down .8 this week for a total of 102.4 pounds!! Not a huge number, but given that I know I did a huge number last week, I'm okay with this number! Next week, though, I hope to get big number!
I'm feeling a little dorky. It's true. See, with my losing such a large amount of weight (at a time when people are making weight loss goals themselves), I've started getting a certain amount of attention and questions about my eating and exercise habits. Exercise is no problem: half hour on the elliptical, 20 minutes of weights, and walking/stretching for 10 minutes. I go 5 or 6 times a week with one of those days being ZUMBA instead of elliptical. Pretty straight forward. But I feel really weird telling people about my eating habits because I feel like I've either changed SO much from my eating lifestyle before that people aren't really going to give much credence to what I say, or that I've stayed so much the same that they'll wonder how I've changed. Example: i LOVE roasted veggies. I'm not even kidding you. There's so many things about them that I love! They're filling, they're full of flavor, I feel like I'm actually EATING something instead of snacking, and they're zero points :) I've decided that healthy snacks ought to be just as readily available as unhealthy snacks-- so, yes, I cheat: I buy the pre-cut up veggie bag from the grocery store instead of cut up my own veggies-- But you know what? I would spend that extra money on a candy bar or tub of ice cream were I not eating healthy, which would probably be just as or more expensive as buying my alternate snack... so I won't feel guilty about the wasted money. I spray my cooking tray with PAM, lay out the veggies evenly, spray some "I can't believe it's not butter" over top and a healthy dose of salt, then they go in the oven at 450 for 15 minutes and VOILA! My beautiful, tasty treat! Do you see what I mean? I'm a dork! If I were to have read this blog a year earlier I would've wondered if I were insane! I would've thought "I could never imagine vegetables as a treat, no less a snack! That's not going to hit the spot! When I want chocolate, I want chocolate!!" What's changed? I'm not exactly sure, but it was a slow process that involved debating which I wanted more: Did I want to be full or did I want something chocolatey/sweet? And over time I began to realize that I would rather be full with something tasty (though not necessarily sweet) than be starved with something extra sweet. On the other hand.... I continue to snack in between meals and late at night. Not gonna lie. It's such a friggin long time between meals!!! Especially between lunch and dinner! And late at night, it's terrible! It doesn't matter how late or how much I ate for dinner-- I will be in the kitchen around 9 or 10 looking for something to snack on. Like I sorta mentioned before, my snacks have somewhat changed-- I don't roast up veggies everytime I need a snack,though. Pretzels are a common snack. Of course my 1 pt bars. I like sliced tomatoes with salt. My 3 point sandwich is good (45 cal and delightful saralee bread, spinach, pickles, 6 slices of healthy ones turkey, 2 slices of fat free cheese slices, and mustard). And Honeycrisp apples are FABULOUS! I've also become a fan of Beaters egg substitute... 1/2 cup of that with sauteed mushrooms- WONDERFULNESS! But, yes: My name is Katy and I'm a snack-aholic. If I were a cartoon, it would be me holding a bag of pretzels, happily chomping them down, with two people looking perplexed saying "And you've lost 100 pounds???" Oh well. It's working, so don't judge :) Oh! But (since I'm talking about food anyway) I want to share with you all my fabulous breakfast. After a year of the same breakfast: toasted Double Fiber English muffin with butter (Sometimes cheese if I'm feeling REALLY wild)... I have branched out and found a new breakfast that I love! 1/2 c. of beaters scrambled with salt and pepper, 2 pieces of 45 and delightful saralee bread toasted, and a tablespoon of mild salsa= greatest breakfast sandwich ever! Keeps me filled all morning and it has flavor! Which, you know, I'm a fan of!
Ok, that is all about food.
One thing I've been thinking a lot about, though, before I close up this blog. In one of my later blogs I shared a picture of the WW leaders in TC who are so supportive of me... one of them is named Marsheila.. in the picture, she's the one on my right (far left in the picture). She has also lost over 100 points. In my school WW group, one of the ladies has also lost over 100 pounds. I look at both of these ladies and think "I just can't imagine them over 100 pounds overweight. They look so fit!" And that has me pretty excited! I've been overweight most of my life... I think my extra weight was part of my identity for some people, you know? While no one would ever flat out admit it, I'm sure if a person was trying to tell another person which person in my family I am, they'd say "The chubby Higgs girl" Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that won't be me anymore! From now on, the people I meet will not know me as a chubby girl... the idea will be so alien to them that they won't believe it at first, probably. I LOVE that! from now on, I never have to be "The chubby one." I dunno if anyone else will understand how amazing that feels, but it feels amazing to me. After being (or feeling like I'm being) identified by my weight, it's relieving to know that it won't describe me anymore.
Ok, that is all haha. I hope everyone has a fabulous week!!

"The party don't start 'til I walk in..." Ke$ha

2010-01-05T21:53:00.000-08:00

Ok, So I didn't post last week... neither did I weigh in last week. I was too humiliated to do either. I mean, I had JUST gotten my 100 pounds off, and then I was thoughtless and stupid and gained probably something like 5 pounds just over Christmas and Christmas Eve. It didn't even feel good! At the end of Christmas Day I was lying on my back, holding my stomach in absolute pain! Gorging myself definitely does not feel like I remember. Why did I ever like that feeling!?!? If I wasn't already so overwhelmed with pain in my stomach, I probably would have cried over ruining the goal I had achieved-- because there was no doubt that I had gained at least 1.6 to put me under 100. But, because I have to think optimistically, I guess I can see the good in doing so incredibly badly. Now I know what it feels like to over-stuff myself-- and now I know how bad I feel physically when I do that-- and now I know that I definitely do NOT want to go back to my old way of living and eating. It isn't worth it!
So I didn't weigh in last week, but I worked hard this last week and went back to tracking points-- yes, even on New Years Eve-- and I ended up being back at my weight before Christmas!! Though it says on my little Weigh-in book that I didn't lose anything, I have never been more proud of a weigh-in. I messed up. I over-ate. But I went back to the plan... I didn't give up. Now I'm back on track! I still have lost 101.6 pounds! And today I had my meeting with my Weight Watchers leader to figure out what my ultimate goal is! And I don't have too much more to go!! If i work really hard, I could be at my goal weight by Spring Break!! That's 10 weeks!! AND I also talked to my WW leader about another thing.... :) Guess who's going to become a WW leader/receptionist!?!? HAHAHA! That's right! In 4.8 pounds I will qualify to become a WW receptionist... and in 14.8 pounds I can become a leader!!! I am more than a little excited about this :) I will try and work at my school WW meeting while school is in session.. and then during the summer I will apply to work at the WW meeting in TC! They've both already said that they would love having me, so I think it will actually happen!
So at the meeting today, it was pretty crazy. Since I was at the TC meeting when I hit my 100 pounds mark, the ladies at my school meeting wanted to celebrate... so once again there were audible gasps from everyone as I announced how much I had lost. Then after the meeting, when I was going back to figure out what my ultimate goal was going to be, I kept being stopped by people who wanted to tell me congratulations and how I inspired them. It still strikes me as odd to have people think of me as an inspiration. I almost started crying. This one lady came up to me and told me that she had about that much to lose and she was looking at me as an idol... that it gave her the strength because now she knew she could do it. I wanted to hug her. Then another girl came up to me, about my age, and said "When you first started, how did you feel about the gym??" I laughed and almost blurted out 'Why don't you read my blog?? That should tell you exactly how much I feared the gym" haha... so I just told her "I was petrified. Not even a little queasy... I was seriously scared stiff of stepping foot in the gym. I was sure I was going to hate it. I started off walking 2.2 mph for a half hour and that got me winded fast. I was scared people were looking at me and judging me. But I forced myself to go no matter what and slowly I realized that I liked working out. And then when I wasn't so self conscious about working out, I realized that no one was ever actually staring at me-- everyone else too busy working out or worrying about looking silly themselves to look at anyone else and judge them." The girl looked surprised and asked "And how many times do you work out now?" I answered "Four or five days a week," which drew an even more surprised look. She shook her head and said, "I don't know if I can do it. I am petrified of the gym. I don't like working out. I don't know where to even start." My heart went out to her. I can steal remember feeling the heat of my tears behind my eyes at the mere thought of having to step inside the gym. I probably lost 300 calories at just thinking about the gym-- that's how much panic it gave me... heart raced, palms got sweaty. So, my heart strings tugging for this girl, I gave her my number and she gave me her number and I told her to call me or text me any time she wanted to go to the gym, and I would go with her. I told her my school schedule and let her know what nights worked best for me. I told her about Zumba and she's going with me on Thursday! I hope she calls me. The hardest part is just getting started. If I can help her to at least get started, I know she will take off on her own.
So, now that I'm nearing the end of this post, I think I will do what everyone else seems to be doing on their blogs: Make public my New Year's Resolutions. But, as we learned in my WW meeting last week (though I didn't weigh in, I still went to the meeting), a resolution is worthless unless you make a plan on how you're going to follow it. So here are my resolutions with my plan on how to accomplish them.
1. Lose the rest of my weight: 21.8 pounds! I will continue tracking, making sure to count BLT's (Bites, licks, and tastes). I will also workout at least 4 days a week for at least a half hour each day.
2. Keep off the weight. I will continue tracking even after I reach goal and I will continue working out the majority of the week. But instead of working out with a focus on losing weight, I will start emphasizing on building muscle and toning... particularly my abs and arms. I will continue going to WW meetings (hopefully as a leader).
3. Finish my next story. I still have not heard about my manuscript I sent to Deseret Book. They emailed me a few weeks ago to tell me that it was still under review, but no answer yet. Either way, I want to finish another story. I will do this by committing to work on a story for at least 10 hours a week.
4. Become more accepting of myself and recognize that I deserve to be happy. I will do this by TRYING to stop putting myself down or by comparing myself to others. I do this far too often and it needs to stop.
5. Cook my own dinner at least 5 times a week. I have gotten a bunch of healthy eating cook books in the last few months and now I am going to put them to use! I will make a weekly menu and grocery shop weekly so I always have the stuff I need to make these meals.

Marsheila, Me, Susan #1, and Susan #2 the day I officially lost over 100 pounds at the TC WW meeting! These ladies have helped save my life! They're amazing, hilarious, and inspirational! Marsheila has also lost in the triple digits! I will always love them!

Ok... let's see if I can do this!! Hope everyone is having a great 2010! Thanks for all your support!

"Everything in my body has got a thing for this place" Imagen Heap

2009-12-17T08:55:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know it's been a while since my last post-- and I honestly had it slip my mind again, but luckily I'm actually not wanting to get ready for the day just yet-- so to procrastinate I'll post a blog :)
THIS week I lost a total of 4 pounds for a total of....... 101 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you believe it? I still can't quite. I mean, I always knew I'd have to lose over 100 pounds, but I never thought about actually GETTING there, you know?
My mom and I went out for a congratulatory lunch after the meeting at Olive Garden (Venetian Apricot Chicken: 7 points and oh so good!) and we sat there talking about it for quite a while. The thing is, this quite possibly could have been the greatest day of my life. I have NEVER felt so accomplished. I did this. *I* did this! I have had unlimited amounts of support from my family and friends... so I feel like it wasn't completely me. I wouldn't have done it were it not for them. But I was the one to put down the fork, to decline the dessert, to choose a roll over a piece of pie, to go to the gym even when every ounce of me just wanted to lie in bed and sleep. But I did it! All of yesterday I kept going through this whole spectrum of emotions. When I was on the scale and they told me I not only got to 100, but I exceeded it, I jumped up and down screaming, laughing, and hugging... and I'm not exaggerating. Then I went into the bathroom to change into my regular clothes (cause I weigh in in the same out fit every week) and it was like my head was going to explode with how happy and content and wonderful I felt. I just looked at myself in the mirror... SMILING! I HAVE FRICKIN' COLLAR BONES, YOU GUYS!!! I HAVE A CHIN!!!! It's incredible! Who'da thought? So then at the meeting, of course, they gave me my award-- they had me stand up in front of everyone-- I showed a picture of me before I started losing weight which issued a couple audible gasps and "oh my!"s I was feeling pretty embarrassed then-- but still feeling pretty good. Then a lady came up to me afterward to tell me I was an inspiration to her-- and that made me almost start crying in happiness. I'm an inspiration? The girl who used to hide chocolate bars under my pillow, bed, inside my night stand, in my closet so my mom wouldn't know is an inspiration? Holy cow. My WW leaders suggested me writing a book about my experience-- which my mom has been trying to get me to do for a while now, but I've always thought "What can I say that hasn't been said a million times before?" The leaders did bring up the point, though, that there aren't many (if any) books about people MY age who have lost weight... which is very different from how older women lose weight. So this again made me think "Huh? I'm an inspiration? I have something worthwhile to say?" Then over lunch I nearly busted out in tears because I couldn't quite handle the extreme emotion.
This just kept hitting me all day. I've never wanted something SO badly and actually gotten it. It's unreal. And I did it.
Now, I'm going to talk about something that makes me blush a little, and I hope people don't read this and think that I've become vain or whatever, but it's something I thought about and wrote about before, so I figure I ought to make a lead up blog on it, right? So. Boys. Yes. Boys. I've never been the one to turn boy's heads. At the beginning of this experience, I thought (and wrote) about how I was kind of worried about how boys would start treating me. Did I want them to all of a sudden notice me? It would be nice to be noticed, but on the same note, isn't it the same me? Doesn't that mean the guy is superficial by only liking me when I'm thin? I've now realized a couple flaws in my logic. Yes, I guess technically I am the same person I was before, but not really. My personality, I think, has even changed through this experience. I feel more confident, more happy, and more alive-- which I can understand why a guy would find that attractive, as opposed to an unhappy girl who was getting by from day to day by telling herself that boys were just superficial. The second is actually something my dad had to talk to me about just a few days ago. We were sitting in the car waiting for my mom to come out of Fred Meyer, and he was showing me pictures of the family on his iphone and going on and on about how much fun it was to have a family. And I kinda shrugged, teared up a little, and said I hope I would have a family one day. Dad said he knew I would, but I shook my head and said I wasn't so sure-- no guy is interested in me now and I feel like I did this all a little too late. And Dad told me that my problem now isn't that I'm not attractive enough or don't have the right personality or whatever, but that I feel like I don't deserve that great guy and happy family. He says he's seen me interact with boys and every time a guy acts like he might be interested, I shut down and do everything in my power to sabotage the relationship by making it a sibling-like relationship. It hurts to admit it, but I've noticed that about myself too. It does freak me out to see guys act interested. I know I have looked at a guy and thought "huh, he's attractive, I would like him to flirt with me" and when he did flirt with me, all of a sudden my thoughts changed to "Oh my gosh, this guy is creepy... I need to get away from him quick." It's was a self-preservation tactic to ensure I never got rejected. It hurts to be rejected! It's scary to put myself out there. But I'm trying to do better. It's hard. Already I've started noticing that a couple guys have been noticing me (well, mostly my mom has to point them out for me and then I see that they're trying to flirt... it's just too foreign of a concept for me to realize that a guy could be flirting with ME to notice it for myself yet) and I've done my best not to put up my defenses. I'll let you all know how that goes... right now I just feel more vulnerable and scared than ever. I want my own family and everything, but gosh I'm so freaking scared at the same time.
Anyway. All right, I've procrastinated enough! I will try to remember to write next week!! Thanks to everyone for being so unbelievably supportive! I love you all!

"Don't underestimate the strength of a woman!" ~Shaggy

2009-10-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since I last posted, I really don't know where to start!
This week I lost 2 pounds! And now I have lost a total of 87.4 pounds!
I have been part of Weight Watchers (and thus actively trying to lose weight) for 11 months... 1 year on November 3. As I have started the Fall quarter of school, I have been thinking back about where I was a year ago today. It's a little weird, to be honest. On the first day of school, I walked up the stairs in the Language and Literature building to the third floor, collapsed (completely winded and a little sweaty) in one of the seats in the lounge, and thought "I'm going to have to get here early so I'm not winded and sweaty by the time class starts." I drove the 2 or 3 blocks to school even though I had to actually leave earlier than I would if I were to walk so I could find a parking spot. I actually feared the school gym... not just a little uneasiness about it.. I actually FEARED stepping inside the gym. I sported size 24 jeans and sweaters. The seat belt buckle in my car dug into my thigh.
But then I finally did something. I had "tried" before to lose weight, but it wasn't in my heart, you know? I wasn't fully committed. I didn't have the right and proper motivation. What changed? I've tried to pinpoint what the exact difference was this time and I've come up with a couple possible reasons. First, while my parents had said things to me about it before, this time they didn't put it lightly.. they told me straight up that they worried for my health and my happiness because of my weight. Did it hurt? Oh yeah. But I needed that kick. They were right: I was NOT happy and I was NOT healthy. Secondly, I was always the one to say the whole "I don't care what people think about me.. and if guys don't like me because of my weight, then they're superficial and I don't want to date them anyway." Ok.. sure.. it's great not to care about what people think of you-- and I really don't want a guy to like me only because of my looks.... BUT..... shouldn't I care about what I think about myself? I was NOT happy!!! If I liked myself, wouldn't I want to try to take care of myself? I read this book that actually helped me a lot: "Keeping the Moon" by Sarah Dessen. I don't know whether Sarah Dessen intended this book to be a motivator for Overweight/Obese girls to lose weight, but that's exactly what it did for me. The plot: A former overweight girl is sent to live with her Aunt for the summer while her mom (a once over weight woman who became thin with her own exercise program) tours the country promoting her work out program. The girl wears baggy, dark clothes and has dyed hair. What it comes down to (or at least how I interpreted this book) is that though she was thin and healthy, she was still not comfortable with herself-- hence, the clothes and hair. She was over weight to blame her problems on her weight-- it was like a shield-- you can blame people for being narrow-minded instead of acknowledging that you made a mistake and deal with it. So when she lost her weight, she became vulnerable to people's comments, so she started with the clothing as another way to shield herself against those comments. So the way I saw it was if I truly liked myself and didn't care what people thought about me, then I shouldn't be gorging myself with 2 pints of Ben and Jerrys every time I was turned down by a boy or caught a scathing look from a girl.
I had to completely flip my reasoning in order to change. It wasn't easy... but anything worth it never is, right?
This experience has taught me more than just how to eat right. It has taught me to take a long, good look at my SELF (not necessarily my physical self) and confront the things I liked and didn't like... then work on my faults and try to improve what I did like. I've learned that working out is always the way to turn when I'm feeling angry, tired, lonely, or bored. It helps me release my anger by giving me time to think about my problem and, let's face it, it just feels really good to physically exert yourself when you're pissed off. I used to make excuses about not going to the gym because I was "too tired"... but now I have realized that I actually feel more energy after I work out (completely opposite to what I thought was supposed to happen). If I let myself wallow in my tiredness, the next day I will still feel tired and I will not go to the gym again... it's just not a healthy cycle. The gym is the BEST place to go when you're lonely. I mean, really, you're SURROUNDED by people just as angry, lonely, tired and bored as you are!! The gym is also the greatest place to go when you're bored... I mean, really, maybe it's just a weird me-thing, but I get so much entertainment out of trying to figure people out. The guy who walks around in a tank with his arms sticking out a little (as if he needs to make room for his massive muscly arms) and looking at other people as they work out..?? Come on, people, seriously!? You KNOW he's just walking around like that so girls can look at him and swoon. YOU KNOW IT!! And, really, those two girls who are jogging on the treadmills next to you obviously don't care if you eavesdrop on their drama since they're talking about it so loudly. Sometimes I REALLY want to lean over and ask a question "wait, is Brandon the one your sister met at the Starbucks? Or is he the guy in your math class that has bad breath?"
Today... I walk to school every day twice. I go to the gym every day and am on the elliptical for at least a half hour (300 calories!) and I have a Zumba class at the school gym once a week. I have a class on the third floor in the LL building again and I can make it up those stairs easily without even holding onto the rail. I am a size 12/14. My seat belt buckle doesn't even touch my thigh now :) I shop in normal stores!
I still have about 40 more pounds to go... and I'm nervous about actually reaching my goal and then maintaining it... but "with a little help from my friends" I'm sure I'll be fine! Thanks to all those who have supported me so much the last 11 months-- I really honestly would not have done so well without all the kind words and support. I literally owe my life and happiness to all of you.
Have a good week all!

"Oh, I wanna dance with somebody!"

2009-09-03T10:39:00.000-07:00

Ok, so. I didn't weigh in while I was in California, and I forgot to write last week's blog... or maybe I subconsciously meant to miss it because I didn't want to go into great detail about my failed week. I gained 1.8 pounds while in California. Luckily, I lost 2.6 pounds this week, so the vacation weight is off. A grand total of 77.8 pounds!
This week's entry is going to be full of confusion. Let me warn you all right now.
I have mixed feelings about my vacation weigh in. I don't want to justify and excuse myself totally from it because then I worry next vacation I won't even try to stay within points. But at the same time, it's vacation. I didn't splurge or anything-- most nights I didn't have dessert and when we went out to eat, I tried to find the healthiest meal on the menu. But then, it didn't help much that I did have snacks in between meals. I don't know what it is about the beach, but it always makes me want to munch on something! I did end up eating a lot of watermelon, but I probably did have more nutrition bars than was better for me. But, you know, this is the first time I've gained in the almost ten months I've gone to Weight Watchers. I'm not going to beat myself up about it because I know gaining every now and then is normal-- and I've been extremely lucky for this to be the first time. I AM proud of myself for getting back into eating healthy and exercising again. I really really didn't want to when I came home. I was so used to eating in between meals that it felt like I was depriving myself those first few days back... but I stuck to it and now I'm back in my regular routine! I have 2.2 pounds 'til 80! That's CRAZY! My dad had me lift a couple salt pellet bags for him the other day and I could barely do it... together they were 80 pounds! How did I stand with all that stuck on me all the time?
But now I'm starting to reach a paradox when it comes to telling people about how much weight I've lost. Losing 80 pounds really is something to be proud of.... but at the same time, admitting that I have lost 80 pounds also tells people that I had to have gained at least that much at one point, you know? And it gets even worse because I still have a ways to go before I reach my goal weight... so.... ok... so it's like those people who wear those "I beat anorexia" T shirts who are over weight... you know what I mean? I wonder if people are thinking "Yeah? And when did you lose those 80 pounds and how much have you gained back?" in response to telling them how much I lost. I'm paranoid, I know. But still, I feel ashamed from time to time that I have to admit I had to lose THAT much weight because I gained THAT much weight.
BUT... I HAVE officially gone down 10 dress sizes since I started weight watchers! SNAPS FOR ME! I am still feeling too weird to go shopping at Buckle for fear that they'll give me a look that says "Like we'd ever carry something in YOUR size" and I'm a little hesitant to shop at American Eagle, though I did try something on from them the other day and it did fit (YAY!). These days I'm doing most of my shopping at GAP (love their shirts), Old Navy, Eddie Bauer, and Macy's. I'm still too nervous to go jeans shopping in regular stores, though. I've got the jeans I bought from Maurices, but I wouldn't say I like them well enough to keep buying them, you know? And the other jeans I have are still from Lane Bryant-- they're the smallest size Lane Bryant carries and they're starting to get a little big on me. So I'm going to need to do that soon... but I'm DREADING it.
Ok, y'all. Well, I had better head out. Have a lovely week, everyone! Thanks for your support!

PS... and since this blog technically is supposed to be about my struggles as a writer, I think I ought to admit that I sent in one of my stories to Deseret Publishing a few weeks ago. I'll let you know what happens!

"I put one foot in front of the other.. take one step and then another..."

2009-08-14T13:35:00.000-07:00

So I know it's Friday and normally I would just say "Meh, they won't care, I'll wait 'til next week's post." But considering I don't know if I will be given the opportunity to write next week and my big success this last week, I think I'll just do a random Friday post!
I lost 3.2 pounds!! For a grand total of 77 pounds! I was more than a little surprised. You know that car ride I was so worried about? Well my mom made up a traveling snack bag for us with healthy snacks! Fiber Plus bars, pretzels, 2 point baked goodies.. and then I picked up some watermelon and sliced a cucumber and brought some water and Fresca. And then, true to her word, Debbie let me get lunch at Subway! It ended up working great! But still, I spent most of the day in the car-- so I was worried that I hadn't walked enough to even burn the daily calories off... but lo and behold! I wanted to do a dance, but I was with people who didn't know me and I didn't know them--- so, that probably would've been weird.
BUT I also went to Lagoon yesterday! I think I did pretty well! I ate Subway for both lunch and dinner... had my usual breakfast and I didn't snack in between rides! In fact, I wasn't hungry most of the day! I actually threw out half my bag of chips at dinner because I just wasn't hungry. After Lagoon I started to get pretty hungry-- and so a few of us went to 7-11 to get snacks and to hydrate... I got a crystal light orange pineapple slurpee (no sugar) and a water... and it actually really hit the spot. I'm pretty proud of myself! Combined with all the walking we did around the amusement park, I think yesterday was very successful! It was difficult at times... funnel cakes... churros... burritos... oh my! But, again, I had some very supportive people with me who didn't make me feel uncomfortable about NOT getting those treats. A good friend of mine put her arm around me and pulled me away from the rest of the crowd for a bit and let me know that she knew what I was going through and she wasn't going to force me into anything... "Because I know if it were me I'd have one... and then I'd have another... and then I'd think 'Well, I just spoiled my day anyway, so I'll get something else too!.... And then the next day you'll feel so bad that you'll continue eating bad things... and it'll just keep going. Better to stop it before it starts." What a friend, right!?
Ok, so these next few days vacation will be my problem. Again I'll have to go grocery shopping with Mom so I can pick up some healthy snacks for me... and I think... if we have time?... I'll walk up and down the beach morning and night... I'll see what the family says... maybe they'll want to go with me?
Ok, well, I have to go now! Have a good week everyone!!

Counting down the days til California comes... ~The Starting Line

2009-08-06T10:31:00.000-07:00

Again, I'm sorry for not writing a post last week! I lost 1 pound for a total of 72, so I was pretty happy!... But there was a mixture of forgetfulness and not knowing exactly what to write... so I bummed out of it.
THIS WEEK! I lost 1.8 pounds for a total of 73.8! It was pretty funny at the meeting because they had done the math wrong the first time around so I went up later to have them correct it, but these two ladies are always making comments about how well I'm doing and such... so when I went up to have them correct it, they were like "Oh my gosh, you are still doing SO good! You are amazing!" and one of the ladies looks at the other and says "I want to celebrate her today even though she hasn't reached the next 5-pound sticker yet. What can we do to celebrate her?" My reaction? I was too stunned to speak. Were they KIDDING me??? The other lady says "Oh, yes! Let's celebrate her!" then she turns to me and asks "Have you gotten your 16 weeks medallion yet?" and I say "Yes, I have" and she says "And your second one?" and I shake my head and say "No... I thought we only got one for the first 16 weeks?" and they start jumping a little and say "Nope! You get one every 16 weeks! We'll celebrate you today!" She starts writing down my name so I quickly say "Oh, no, it's fine! It's not a big deal..." and they both look up with these shocked looks on their faces... and one lady says "Oh, it IS a big deal! We ARE going to celebrate you." ... so what could I do? It's nice that they're being so supportive about it all! I think I've lucked out there... I have SO many people who have been amazingly supportive of me. It has definitely made watching what I eat easier.
So you know how I've told you guys that I get nervous going into clothing stores now because I'm nervous about what other people are thinking about me when I walk into them? You know-- I'm nervous that they're going to look at me and think "Psh, she's not going to find anything in here-- she's too big." Well, I've had a good experience with that and a not so good experience with it. The not so good: a few weeks ago I went into Maurices for new jeans. Sizes confuse me now. I am a solid Large in some stores while XXL in others. It's annoying. So I didn't know how to get started at Maurices... was I still in their big-girl section or finally in the smaller sizes? So I grabbed a couple jeans from the big-girl section, then warily made my way to the other side of the store to their jeans... I was over there for about 2 minutes when one of the store clerks (a larger lady) comes up to me and asks if I need some help, and I say I'm just looking for some jeans. She looks me up and down and says "Well, have you tried any of our sizes in the plus sizes?" Talk about mood killer. I swallow my pride and showed her the sizes I had with me and told her I just wanted to see if I could fit in these ones yet. And she gives me this look like "Yeah, right." In the end, I did actually fit into the normal-sized persons jeans... so that made me feel that much better when I handed them to her and said I wanted to buy these... but still, it hurt a little. The good experience: mom and I went into Lane Bryant the other day... the first time I've been there in months... and when we were ready to pay, I told mom I wanted to look around the store to see if they had cute skirts... she says that when I left the cashier lady said "has she lost a lot of weight? I've worked here for 3 years so I know a few people on sight and I recognize her and she looks like she's lost a lot of weight!" So that was nice that she noticed enough to say something. Still, the two experiences left me feeling a little weird-- where do I fit in now?
I'm going to need support big time in the next two weeks, though. Next Tuesday I am driving down to Utah with Debbie to help her move back into her apartment for school. That will be about a 9.. maybe 10... hour drive. I'm quite nervous about it for a variety of reasons. #1 being that I won't be moving around much all day, so I won't have an opportunity to exercise off whatever I eat that day. #2 I like to snack on road trips. In my head I'm already trying to figure out low-point snacks I can munch on that I won't over do on. Will sliced cucumbers keep in a car? I'll have a baggie of carrots... 2 pt bags of pretzels... lots and lots of water. I've already asked Debbie if we can have subway for lunch and she said yes-- so thank heavens for that..But I'm still quite a bit nervous! And then next Thursday is our day to go to lagoon! Now, I don't think I'm as nervous about Lagoon. We spend the majority of the day on our feet going from ride to ride and then we're going over to Lagoon-a-beach to swim... good exercise opportunities there.. and they do have a subway in the park. Yes, they also have dippin' dot carts, and churro machines all over the place as well, but I'm not too worried about being drawn to them. I always worry that if I eat in the midst of my roller coaster riding then I'll have a better likelihood of yarking all over everyone.. and no one wants that. BUT THEN... I'm going to California for the bi-annual family reunion! WOOT WOOT! It's going to be an AMAZING trip-- I already know it-- but again, I'm nervous about keeping within point boundaries. We usually have breakfast and lunch at the beach house and go out for dinner... But I'm always snack-happy at the beach. UGH!! Cucumbers and watermelon will hopefully (???) save my tush.
Anyway, next week I'll be in Utah for my weight watcher meeting and the week after that I'm going to a meeting in California-- but I'll TRY to write on here if give the opportunity!!
Have a good week, everyone, and thanks for the support!

"There's something in the way she moves" ~James Taylor

2009-07-23T14:20:00.000-07:00

Sooooo....
My lack of postage last week, I think, is totally justified. IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! I am now 21 years old! I can legally do ANYTHING except rent a car! I feel all sorts of liberated haha.
Anyway, that doesn't mean I will not report my doings! Last week I lost 2.2 pounds for a total of 70 pounds! I earned another 5 lb sticker as well as got my 3rd 10% award :) We didn't stay for the meeting, though, so we celebrated this week! I lost 1 pound this week for a total of 71! Now, I might be a little disappointed by this any other week, but this week I am ecstatic! Why? Because this past week I had to deal with my birthday AND spending 4 days in San Francisco on my birthday trip! and I STILL lost! I was for sure I gained. In fact, one night we were eating at The Rainforest Cafe and the dessert came-- "The Volcano" (Delicious brownie, ice cream, whip cream, and a sparkler thing on top. Basically awesomeness)-- and I took a bite, prepared to only have one bite, and then I thought "You know what? I'm going to gain anyway, right? So I'll take a couple more bites." So I did. I honestly don't know how I lost. We did do a lot of walking-- we walked EVERYWHERE!! We walked the golden gate bridge (back and forth), up the wharf, all around downtown, around Alcatraz... there was LOTS of walking. So maybe that helped. And then it was really really cold, which, you know, "So what?" right? But because it was soooo cold, Debbie and I were jumping up and down and dancing all around while we were just waiting around... so maybe that helped too? I don't know, but I'm glad it happened and now that I'm back, I'm right back on track with counting points and working out! So there ya go!
So this summer I have taken LOTS of pictures! Whenever I'm hanging out with friends or doing something silly with the family, out comes the camera and it's Katy's Super Model Documentary Hour, basically. But taking so many pictures has made me look back at some old pictures I took in the last couple years. It's been good and bad for me. Bad because I'm embarrassed I let it get so far. I know that sounds so cliche, you hear all the weight loss interview people say that and I used to roll my eyes when I heard people say that and think "Psh, You've got a weight scale, don't you? You've looked in the mirror, haven't you? You knew what you were doing." But you know what? I knew I was unusually large, but still at the same time I thought "I'm not getting bigger, store sizes are getting smaller." I didn't see anything wrong with eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's in one sitting. So it's embarrassing to look at those old pictures and remember how absolutely stupid I was. But then, it's been great for me because I can now SEE a difference. People have told me they see a major difference, but it's hard to see a difference in me when I look in the mirror every day. I get smaller sizes, but now I catch myself thinking "I'm not getting smaller, the store sizes are just getting larger." I think I see a difference in my body, but then I think, "Meh, it's just wishful thinking. You haven't changed at all." And other days I think "Oh, heavens. I look like I've GAINED weight, not lost weight!" So being able to pull up a picture of me taken a year ago and a picture taken of me last night and being able to see PROOF of change has been great. I now see that my hard work really is paying off.
It's still hard to imagine me as thin, though. I think I've always been over weight. I don't remember there ever being a time where I was considered within a healthy weight range. A part of me wonders if it CAN happen. The logical part of my brain screams "OF COURSE IT'S POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't be a dunce!" another more emotional part of my brain says "But you've never been there before, have you? How do you KNOW? Maybe you're supposed to be over weight." The emotional part is annoying. I know it sounds extremely silly, and you will all probably laugh at me when you read this, but it needs to be said: I'm afraid of being thin. Have I written about this before? I know I've talked about it with some people before, but I'm not sure I've written about it. Either way, it's in my mind a lot, so I think it's worth talking about twice. Okay, I know i will still look like me, but I'll look at least a little different, right? I don't even know what I'll look like when I'm down to my goal weight. It seems like a silly thing to worry about, but it does worry me. My emotional side says "Maybe you will look better over weight?" I know my losing weight isn't purely about looking good-- it's about getting healthy--- but is it a crime to want to look good too??? But now you will all REALLY laugh at me because of my next worry: What if I do look attractive?? What if guys start noticing? I don't know how I would handle it! I've never been the one to turn heads... that has been my sister's jobs. I've always been "like a sister" and the "best friend" to guys... I don't think a guy has noticed me in any other light before. It's frustrated me, but I've gotten used to it. But it would annoy me more than just a little if guys I've been friends with for years all of a sudden start seeming interested in me just because I look better. I'm the same person I was last year, where were they then? *SIGH!* I feel like I'm crazy when I think about these worries too often.
I guess the best thing I can do right now is not care what other people will think of me when I get down to my goal weight. I need to remember that I'm not doing this for them. I am doing this for me. I want to feel good and proud of myself. I want to be healthy. I want to run!!
Anyway, ok, I best be off! I hope you all have a great week!!

"Thanks for making me a fighter!" Christina Aguilera

2009-07-09T10:40:00.000-07:00

TWO POUNDS DOWN!! For a grand total of 67.8! I need to lose .3 in order to get my 3rd 10% and 2.2 to reach my next 5 pound mark! I'm REALLY hoping that will happen this next weigh in!
So, for the most part, I stuck to my exercise schedule I made for myself last week! One day, I confess, I didn't exercise because I really wanted to hang out with my brother and his family. But other than that, I stuck to it! It was tough-- I was very close to backing out many times-- but after I got through the first 10 minutes of the workout, I started feeling WAY better... mentally and physically. I was proud of myself, I had lots more energy afterward, and was more alert. So snaps for exercise!!
I am really proud of myself for something this week! As many, if not all, of you know, I hang out with a large group of guys. They are an interesting group, to say the least. Anyway, they are guys... and guys can and do eat everything in sight-- and it doesn't do anything to them. They can feast on McD's all day, still feel hungry, and not have to worry about it going "to their hips." It's just rude. At Weight Watchers, a guy gets something like 5 extra points just for being a guy. Does anyone else find this unusually cruel??? Anyway, so whenever I hang out with them, they always have their bags of chips and store bought cookies and whatever. I have started bringing my own bag of pretzels to share with everyone just to make sure I have something to snack on if I need to. But last week we were having our own "FHE" with the sister missionaries and the sister missionaries brought over brownies. Not regular brownies, oh no. But Sister Creer's 4 chocolate layer with carmel drizzled over the top brownies. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Excuse me while I wipe up the drool from the floor. I knew my points and I knew I wouldn't be able to afford even a piece of brownie... nor did I really want to try a piece because I knew that as soon as that sucker touched my lips, I would instantly try to justify another bite... then another... then another... you get the point. So I declined, which in itself is worthy of snaps, but it didn't stop there! No, no. My buddy started teasing me "Come on, Katy! Don't you know how rude it is to reject food? You have to have one. The sisters will be upset. Just have one half piece." I could feel my self control slipping away. Then one of the sister missionaries spoke up, "Hey! Never force a girl to eat brownies! She doesn't want one! It's ok!" and then the other sister missionaries said, "Yeah, seriously. You never ever force a girl to eat a brownie." I've never wanted to hug a girl more!! I instantly felt my self control come right back up and I grinned at my obnoxious, food-pushing friend and said, very much like a 12 year old, "SO there!" I share this story so everyone who reads this will start sticking up for people who are put into similar situations as mine. It's hard when friends turn into food-pushers... but it helps immensely when just one friend defends your choices.
Well, I must be off! Have a good week everyone!

"You gonna find, yes you will, that you're beautiful as you feel!" Carole King

2009-07-02T09:57:00.000-07:00

Down 1.6 for a total of 65.8!! As Dad likes saying, "That's a whole fifth grader!"
As a follow up to last week's entry, I still didn't exercise last week... not to defy everyone's encouragement or for some strange experiment, but because I seriously didn't have time. But I tried making up for it by throwing in quick activities... like instead of driving to my FHE activity, I walked. I know that doesn't do much for the heart, but it's all I could do. But last night I laid in bed thinking of my schedule for the rest of this week and I've scheduled in work out times that will work. So keep your fingers crossed that I stick to them, eh?
So. Let me tell ya'll somethin' that I was thinking about yesterday while I was trying on some shirts at Target. First off all, I'm finding that it's kinda difficult finding clothes that fit me just right right now. I'm in that inbetween phase of Women's Plus sizes and Women's Regular sizes... but is it just me or is there a bit of a gap between the largest size in Regular sizes and the smallest in the women's plus? I tried on a shirt in regular sizes and it was like wearing something rebel Sandy from "Grease" would have worn. So I tried on the smallest size in women's... and I had a flashback back to my Elementary days when everything I wore was 3 sizes too big. I have still been able to find some clothes (I'm finding that I love Eddie Bauer... as long as Mom is buying haha), but I'm having to search for them. 65.8 pounds ago I really had only 2 stores to choose from: Lane Bryant and the plus size section of Maurices. So I knew my size in those two stores.. it wasn't too hard to remember. But now there are more stores and (it feels like to me) different opinions as to how big an XL shirt is. Which makes places like Target extremely stressful because they have multiple brands in one area... which means I have to bring 3 sizes of the same shirt just to see if I like it or not.... which means it's THAT much more depressing when the shirt doesn't look good on me after all the trying on. But I'm trying to stay positive. If things keep going well and I keep my focus, then I won't be in this in between phase for very long. I guess I'll always have that problem of not knowing what size I am in a place like Target, but I can deal with that if it means being thin and healthy :)
Anyways, I'm off!! Have a good week!

"Just Dance.. gonna be ok!!" ~Lady Gaga

2009-06-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

First off, I am all apologies for the lack of blog last week. I am still trying to get in the swing of being at home for the summer... which includes going to a different meeting on a different day and at a different time. I am used to going on Tuesday nights... after the meeting I would grab my Subway, write my blog while eating said Subway, then watch The Biggest Loser-- or whatever other show is in season at the time. My new day and time is Wednesday afternoon and afterwards I go out to Red Lobster with the Mom and we order our Snow Crab Legs :) Then we run errands... and by the time I get home, I completely space the blog. But I think what will now become habit is I will write it the next morning while Gage, my cousin that I tend in the mornings, plays or colors or whatever.
OK, so last week I lost 1.8 pounds and this week I lost 1.6 pounds!! For a grand total of 64.2! I'm pretty stoked!! .8 away from 65 pounds and 4 pounds 'til I get my third 10%!!
So one of the things I'm finding is really difficult this summer is finding the time and motivation to exercise. I go to work at 6:30 am 'til noon. I decided that I wouldn't work out beforehand and since I don't want to shower twice in a day, I would go to work in my workout clothes (Gage won't mind, right?) then when I got home, I would work out immediately, then have lunch, then get ready. The problem I quickly found with that is that it means I am not ready for the day until about 2 pm... which is annoying. So I haven't been working out as much as I used to. But I'm wondering... I don't want to make excuse, but this seems like a legitimate point to consider: I am far more active now on a regular basis than I was during school. Case and point: this week I have gone bowling, had a swim party, and played Volleyball. I don't sit around the house... I go out with Mom to run errands-- or I go out and run my own errands. Also, I usually walk with Gage to the park in the morning. So I'm on my feet a lot. This week's weigh in number wasn't too bad, but I'm wondering if it was a fluke? I guess we'll see because I don't think I will be working out so often this week either.
At this time, I would like to announce a very big accomplishment for me. I have always been pretty uncomfortable with my body. In jr high, I always wore a coat or at least a jacket over top of whatever I wore (it didn't matter what the weather was). Everything I owned was 3 sizes too big and was chosen for the purpose to make me look shapeless. When I went swimming, I always wore at least a T shirt over my swim suit-- sometimes some old PJ capris or shorts, as well. In high school, I started wearing things that fit a little better, had a shape, and still sometimes wore a light jacket or cardigan.... and I still wore a shirt over my swimsuit. Even last year whenever I went swimming I wore a shirt over top of my swim suit.
However, last night... I had a swimming party. 7 guys and 3 girls showed up (not including Debbie and I)... which would usually be a given that, if I did swim at all, I would wear a shirt over top of my swim suit. BUT I DIDN'T! I am still overweight-- have the dimples and stretch marks on my thighs-- but I did it anyway! And what's weird is that it ended up not being as awkward as I thought it would be. Sure, I was a little embarrassed when I go out of the pool in front of everyone-- giving them a clear shot at my less-than-stellar body... but it seemed like they didn't care! I thought I would get disgusted looks or a comment about it, but I didn't see anything amiss. I feel pretty proud of myself! It may not seem like a big accomplishment to all of you guys, but it's huge for me! What's even a bigger deal is afterward, one of the guys came up to me to tell me how much fun he had and I said "Yeah! Me too! We'll have to have another pool party soon! I'll give you a call!".... WHAAAAAAAT!?!?!?!??!?!?!?! Did I just invite a guy to have another opportunity at seeing my dimpled thighs????? Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!!!
Anyway, I must be off... Gage is quiet and that usually means he's into something :) Have a good week, ya'll!!!

"YOU CAN DANCE! YOU CAN JIVE!!" ~ABBA

2009-06-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

Down FOUR pounds!! FOUR!! For a grand total of 60.8 pounds!!

I can't believe it. Needless to say, I'm pretty excited!

I couldn't write this blog last night because I had a guest: MY MOM!! Mom heard me talking about how fun my Weight Watchers group was that she decided to come check out the meeting with me and then have a sleep over at my apartment! It was SO much fun! The meeting itself was great; We talked about inexpensive ways to lose weight(ie: buddy up with a friend instead of get a personal trainer, clean your own house instead of hiring someone else, go on walks/run stairs instead of a treadmill, etc). And then Mom and I dashed to Subway (EAT FRESH!)for our sandwiches, which we had to eat at Subway because we were so starving, and then we went to my place and watched the 5 hour movie "Wives and Daughters" based off of the Elizabeth Gaskell novel. See, Mom and I are huge fans of the movie "North and South," which is also an adaptation of an Elizabeth Gaskell novel... and Mom's friend said that she liked "Wives and Daughters" better than "North and South"... so we decided to give it a try. Oh. My. Gosh. SO GOOD! Now, I wouldn't say it is better than North and South-- North and South just has the best kiss scene I have ever seen, plus the love story in N&S is unbeatable-- but Wives and Daughters was definitely good enough to watch again on another girl's night :) I am going to have to buy the book! Anyway, Mom and I ate that Mint Choc. Chip ice cream I told ya'll about last week and went to bed. It was pretty much the best celebratory party ever haha.
So this week was pretty hard. I'm not gonna lie. Which was why it is so surprising I did so well. I flew down to Utah for my nephew's baby blessing and the Higgs family reunion. The first difficulty arose while driving the 2.5 hours to the Spokane airport-- there is nothing. It's all farming field. And not even the interesting farming fields (hops, vineyards, etc.).. it was like... cabbage. So I was bored while driving. And that made me want to munch on things. Oh man, I was SO close to pulling into a McDonalds for some fries. But I held strong. Then we met up with my sister's in-laws at Famous Daves for dinner *insert Snoopy's sad cry* The appetizer sampler tray was right in front of me-- filled with barbequed goodness. So I had the celery and carrots that no one else wanted and a grilled chicken burger... tried to engross myself in conversation when the massive brownies came out for dessert... then worked out with Debbie dearest that night. That night, I felt like I was queen of the world. No joke. Saturday was the Higgs reunion. Grandma made breakfast then the Higgs/Tingey girls made lunch (taco salad)... so that wasn't as bad as it could be-- the trick was to fill up on the lettuce :) Then luckily I won the bet on how heavy baby Will was going to be for his 2 month check up, so I got to choose where we went for lunch on Monday :) I had to ignore the fast food restaurants on the drive back to Ellensburg, but I treated myself to Subway when I made it :)
Anyway, this makes me feel accomplished and more at ease for other big family dinner events... I know I can handle myself. So that's good!
Anyway, I'm off to dance to "Dancing Queen".... another inexpensive way to lose weight :) Have a good week!!

Losing weight is "better than ice cream" ~Sarah McLachlan

2009-06-02T20:43:00.000-07:00

Oh, good grief, ya'll.
I really REALLY didn't want to post anything today. It's true. I just finished writing a paper on slang for Linguistics and got on facebook for a little down-time and I thought to myself "Meh, no one would really miss it if I didn't write this week." But, alas, my conscience got to me. Sure, chances are no one really cares about what I write from week to week, but this is making me even more accountable for my actions regarding food, right? Because the LAST thing I want is to have everyone on blogger know I downed a carton of Ben and Jerry's ice cream in a single sitting. Mmmm... ice cream.
Which reminds me! For those who are trying to lose weight and are having the hardest time letting go of the ice cream: GOOD NEWS!!! (Becca, is it appropriate for a colon to go there? I don't think the line before it is a complete sentence, so it isn't right, is it? But then what punctuation would go there?) Weight Watchers ice cream is just fine (my favorite is the Giant Fudge Bar popsicles... ONE POINT!), but somehow having a bowl and spoon to eat ice cream fulfills the craving more fully for me. Today is a momentous occasion because I have found the PERFECT low-point ice cream! Get this: 1/2 cup for 110 calories, 4 grams of fat, and 2 grams of fiber!! BOOYEAH!!! That's an even 2 points, yo! It is Dreyer's No Sugar Added line and I got the Mint Chocolate Chip... which was FANTASTIC!! It totally hit the spot! I recommend it.
Okay. Now for the moment of truth. I lost just .8 today for a total of 56.8. Not so good, but it is sorta good because I didn't go up, right? I'm just going to have to get used to the fact that I won't be losing 2-3 pounds a week anymore. But I guess I'm okay with that. I definitely won't be down to goal weight by summer, of course, so I'll just do what I can and next summer FOR SURE I will be where I want to be.
OK. So. That is it. Short-ish blog today. I would write more, but I'm reading Persuasion by Jane Austen right now and, though I know how it ends, I find I am eager to keep reading, haha.
Have fun!

"If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?"~ Sheryl Crow

2009-05-26T18:33:00.000-07:00

DOWN 1.8!! Total of 56 pounds!! Ladies and gentlemen, I am back on the wagon! Woot woot!
So today's meeting was incredible. I mean, it is always amazing, but today was extra special because it is something I really needed to hear and remember.
Motivation.
What was it that made me go to Weight Watchers? The last straw? What was it that helped me keep going when I dropped a size? Why am I still going when I now (officially) can fit into clothes at normal-sized people stores? What will my motivation be when I have 15 pounds left? What will be my motivation to stay at my goal weight?
The reason I started going to Weight Watchers was more or less because of my dad. Dad has always said little things to me about my weight... never rude, but he would pull me aside and say something like "If you lose such and such amount of pounds, I will do such and such." That would do enough to make me go for about a month, but it never lasted (obviously). This time, though, Dad was more serious about it. He pulled me into the family room for "a talk" with a concerned look on his face. At first, I thought he was going to tell me someone had died or was about to die. Then he told me he was really worried about me because of my weight. He told me that he knew I tried and was pretty good at hiding how unhappy I was, but he knew I wasn't happy. Whether it's good, bad, right, or wrong, a girl's weight does play a factor into whether a guy is interested in her or not. But that shouldn't be my only reason to lose weight. If I were to marry, I would not be healthy enough to get pregnant or maintain a family. If I stuck at the rate I was going, I was shaving years off my life. I hated going to hang out with my friends and not being able or not feeling comfortable enough to do some of the activities with them because of my weight. Even going to a movie theater with them was embarrassing because it was starting to get difficult to fit in just one seat. Then there's the activity issue. In elementary school I was in softball and dance, I walked to friends houses, and walked home from church... I was active. But then I stopped softball... and then I felt so self conscious about how the additional weight looked in my leotard, so I quit dancing. Then I started driving-- and I didn't need to walk home from church or walk to a friend's house. I felt like a blob. To make things better, my drive from Weber to my condo was on Harrison BLVD... fast food restaurants line that street all the way home. It was way easier to buy dinner than to go home and make it. Friends and family stopped setting me up on blind dates. While I don't like being set up, it felt much worse to have people stop thinking of me as someone they thought their friend would like.
So Dad was right. I was majorly unhappy. I hid it well. I'd go do all these things with friends and family and cry on the drive home. I think that's I named my car. After crying and moaning in my car so many times, it seemed like my car ought to have a name given that it was substituting as a very patient and quiet friend in my time of need.
So I went to Weight Watchers to be happy again. That was my primary motivation.
What do I do, though, when I am happy? A girl can be flabby and happy at the same time, no? Think of new motivations... motivations that will either get you to the end or just for the next ten pounds. Not just goals, though. Goals, as I have already written about, are good to have, but they are so inconstant that it's hard to use them as motivation.
I think about all the things I want to do that I can't right now. Ski. Comfortably sit in movie theater and airplane seats. Hike up Mt. st. Helens and Rainier. Be comfortable in a swimsuit. Go rock climbing. Run a mile in every city I visit. Dad told me about that one. He told me he gets some sort of satisfaction in telling people "Yeah, I ran a mile in Belgium." Isn't that neat? I would like to brag about that! I also want to walk into a meeting or go out with a group of friends without feeling self-conscious about being the biggest one in the group. I don't want to be afraid of walking into a normal-size person store... not because I'm afraid the clothes won't fit, but because I'm afraid people are looking at me and thinking "She isn't thin enough to find anything in this store." I want my old high school/jr. high/elementary friends to look at me and think "Hot damn! Sexy chica!" haha! And (every chubby girl can relate to this one) I want a guy who blew me off in the past to give me a double take and think "What was I thinking!??!?!"... that way I can laugh at him and walk away :)
I want to be happy.
I think that motivation will last me a long long long time. :)

"In all of the world. So. Far... I'm the greatest star!" ~Barbra Streisand

2009-05-19T19:26:00.000-07:00

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GUESS WHAT HAPPENED!?
Hahahahaha!! I can't stop smiling and giggling!
This week I lost a grand total of 4.6 pounds! That makes a total of 54.2 pounds!! FIFTY-FREAKING-FOUR!!!! I'm so happy! I didn't dance by my weight scale, but I did squeal pretty loudly haha. I was a tiny bit embarrassed when the weight watchers leader announced in front of everyone how much I lost and made a big show out of giving me my sticker, key chain, and magnet and then the huge applause afterward--- but it mostly felt pretty amazing!
Now, for those who don't know what happens at Weight Watcher meetings, let me tell you! First of all, we weigh-in at the desk. It's pretty private... people see you get on the scale, but the people taking your weight don't say how much you've lost out loud... they write it down in your little booklet and then show it to you. If you hit a 5 pound marker, then they ask if you mind celebrating in front of everyone. I don't have a problem with it, but I understand why some people wouldn't like it. Then the meeting starts and, at least at my meeting, they start off with announcing the celebrations and for every celebration, we all applaud, and the person who is being celebrated is asked what they have changed or what has helped him/her get to that goal. After celebrations we have a short meeting that will help us get through the rest of the week-- like tonight's meeting was how we were going to get through Memorial Day weekend and the food that goes along with it. So the big strategy is to go in with a plan. For instance, one plan would be to go into the party knowing you will eat a hot dog, fruit salad, and maybe a cookie and that's it... that way when you get to the party, you won't be overwhelmed by all the food. Don't go into the party starved, though, because then you'll be so hungry when you finally get there that you'll just eat everything in sight. Eat breakfast and lunch. Or, work out really hard right before the party and then make a plan to work out really hard after the party. My Weight Watchers leader called that strategy "Repair and Repent" because you first repair the damage by exercising the excess calories off and then forgive yourself for eating that cookie... It's way too easy to think "Ugh, I ate the cookie, I might as well eat another cookie because my week's ruined anyway." But it really isn't the end of the world if you slip up. Forgive yourself and do better the next day.
The WW leader had us write down the foods that would likely be at our BBQs this weekend, then had us circle the ones that we would have the biggest problem with. Mine was desserts. I can leave the Potato Salad and the chips and all that... Mom's brownies will kill me though :) Then she had us turn to our neighbor and share what that one thing was and discuss a strategy we can use to help get through it. I was sitting next to an older lady and at the same time we said "Brownies" haha! We tried to work through it-- We could make our own batch of brownies that are lower in calories. That seemed to be the best solution. Then she told me how she was more nervous about the drive-- she's taking an 8 hour drive over Memorial Day weekend and she is addicted to salty foods. How would she manage an 8 hour drive without salty foods? Fortunately, road trips have become my specialty. So I told her what I do: Pretzels are still salty foods, but for 20 of them, it's 110 calories, which is 2 points. Put 20 pretzels in individual baggies so you don't over eat on pretzels. Then bring bottled water with you (I've noticed sometimes when I think I'm hungry, I'm really thirsty for water) and maybe an orange or apple already peeled/cut. Road trips can be a bugger, but they don't have to be the death of you!
Anyway, Ok. I'm off to go celebrate with The Office and Subway!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Those last few pounds "Keeeeep hooolding oon" ~Avril Lavigne

2009-05-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

I stepped on the scale and situated my feet into a position I was sure would bring optimum results this week, careful not to bounce too much on the scale and, thus, accidentally giving an extra pound of gravity that was completely unnecessary.
"This is it. This is the time when I push out a big number and get right back on track! I will finally reach the 50 pound mark and hear all the 'ooohs' and 'ahhhs' of envious fellow- weight watchers. I will once again feel that I deserve the praise from my friends and family when I tell them of my weight loss!"
The woman weighing me takes a moment to look at my weight (which I, conveniently, cannot see. Coincidence? I think not. They're sadists.) then she picks up her pen and (I swear it happened in slow motion) writes down my weight.
She writes down the first number. "Ok, I understand that. I didn't expect the first number to change. Ok. I'm good still." Then she writes down the second number "Ok, well, this is a good sign that I didn't gain. So that's always a plus. Ok. Big number... big number... big number...". Then she writes down the last two digits in high speed. So fast I wasn't quite sure what she wrote down.
Then I saw it.
Blllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The woman pulls out a calculator to figure out my weight loss, but I already know what the difference is after agonizing over it for the previous 24 hours.
The woman smiles, excitedly. "Down .8! You're doing so good! Just .4 away from 50 pounds!"
This woman is a a nice person... in fact, I usually try to go to her table to weigh in because she's usually so nice. But that wasn't quite the reaction I was wanting. No, at that moment, I would've felt a WHOLE lot better if she had slapped the table, stood up on her chair, and yelled (much like Gob from Arrested Developement), "Come on!!!"
How many times have I ALMOST lost 50 pounds? For the last 4 weigh ins! What is going on here? I am always within my points and I still work out 5 times a week for an hour! I haven't been sneaking BLTs (Bites, Licks, and Tastes for all those non-weight watcher lingo-savvy people)!!! I've been really good!! I think I have finally hit that "plateau" so often spoken about in meetings that I always thought I could avoid by keeping focused. Turns out I was wrong. It's upsetting, but I guess it needed to happen. As my mom said to encourage me last night, "This is where your determination and patience will need to kick in."
So I am not quite discouraged yet. I will keep going! I am going to the gym today. I might walk a little faster. Or maybe I should try some other piece of equipment? I feel a little silly on the elliptical, though. Am I doing it right? I think I am, but should I feel so jumpy while on it? Are the people on the treadmills behind me looking at me and thinking "What the heck is that white girl doing?" Probably. But then again, I guess it really doesn't matter what they think, right?
Anyway. This coming Tuesday is the Tuesday it happens! I can feel it in my bones! I will get my 50 pounds AND I will turn out a big number! It's gonna happen!
Okay, enough of the pep talk to myself. I hope everyone had a lovely week!

"Go ahead, be gone with it" ~Justin Timberlake "Sexyback"

2009-05-05T17:34:00.000-07:00

Right now I am listening to my "Best of Work Out Songs" playlist. I figure that if it succeeds in empowering me to exercise for an hour 5 days a week, it should strengthen me in my attempt to do the thing I am most nervous about starting: A weight-loss blog.
Sure, I know this page is titled "Diary of an Aspring Writer," but honestly, how much is there to say about wanting to be a writer? Weight-loss, on the other hand, is a day-to-day event and no two days are alike. Don't worry: This is going to be my "tracker"... meaning, I won't record everything I eat on this thing and expect you all to be rivetted. I'll just share some emotions that are going through me from time to time. Sometimes it will be hilarious. Sometimes it won't be. But it will all be honest. I won't own to what weight I started at 'til I'm at my goal weight, but you will all see that it was a lot since I WILL post how much I've lost for the week and the grand total every Tuesday.
I have been going to Weight Watchers since November 2008 and I have lost a total of 48.8 pounds with LOADS more to go. I still cannot run more than 2 minutes at a time, but I do walk on the treadmill at 3.4 (speed walking for my short legs) for an hour= 270 calories with my good friend, Emilia. I do this faithfully 5 times a week. Surprisingly, the exercise thing was the easiest part to transition to. I have found that I enjoy going to the gym more than I ever thought I would. Maybe it's because I get my daily fill of drama from Emilia. Maybe it's because like Elle Woods says "Exercise releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy... happy people just don't murder their husbands!" Or, the more probable out of the three, it's because the treadmills look over the weight-lifting room :) Whichever is the reason, I like it. My downfall? Night time. Around 9 pm. I'm sitting in bed or watching TV and all of a sudden I ALWAYS want something to munch on. I know I'm not really hungry, but I want something to chew on so freaking bad. I've learned to manage my "points" in such a way that will allow me to have Sugar Free hot chocolate and Pretzels when the craving hits, but I know it's tres bad to eat after 7pm. Downfalls!
Anyway, today was weigh-in day and I knew I was going to do bad, but that didn't stop me from feeling extremely upset when I was given proof that I did bad. I still lost .6, but compared to the 2 and 3 pounds a week I'm used to losing, this is pretty upsetting. I know next week I'll have a big number, and I know that I've done very well so far, but I'm still so... annoyed! I did everything right this week! I stayed within my points, I exercised 5 times a week! I DIDN'T EAT THAT COOKIE!!!!!!!! Nonetheless, I still didn't reach expectations. I wanted to lose 15 pounds before my last final (now 5 weeks away) because I have made a promise to myself not to buy summer clothes or a swimsuit til then and hopefully I would be able to get clothes from regular-sized stores... but this week combined with last week's minimal weight loss has made it nearly impossible to reach that goal. So I won't be shopping in normal stores for summer clothes. That's SO disappointing that I would probably cry if I didn't have "Get Up" by Ciara and Chamillionaire playing loudly right now.
BUT, I'm going to be positive now! This week's weigh in is over. I didn't do as well as I hoped, but I can do well this next weigh in. I'll re-calculate my goal so it is manageable and start working towards it. Besides, I have a plan for this summer that involves lots of activity. So even if I don't go into the summer with a swimsuit that was bought at a regular-sizes store, I will end the summer in one... that is if Mom doesn't mind footing the bill :)
Anyway, Subway is calling my name... Have a good one!

"When we open our eyes and dream, we open our eyes."

2008-12-03T22:21:00.000-08:00

So nothing spectacular has happened to me lately-- nothing eventful that has impressed me or made me think "Wow, I'm going to remember this moment forever." So there's no story to tell. I'm sorry. I love telling stories, but I simply don't have one.
But I do have something I guess I'd like to talk about because it's been slightly bothering me.
I'm afraid of not succeeding. Not just not making a million dollars and being able to stay in the Disney castle (MY ULTIMATE DREAM!! haha)or whatever... but just not being able to do what I want to. I want to write. I want to tell stories and have my readers identify with my characters and swoon over my heroes. I don't care if my book never wins awards or is on best-seller lists. I just want the opportunity to be published. I want that more than anything. I'll work as hard as I need to and I'll kiss anyone's butt to have it happen-- I'm not prideful in the least. I hope I have the opportunity to actually see my book-- bound together with MY name on the cover. My back up plan is to be a high school teacher-- which I would LOVE to do. Really. But I think my number one love will always be writing my own stories-- not reading someone else's. I've read enough of other author's early years to expect that my manuscript will go through a lot of rejection letters before it finally gets accepted somewhere. I can handle that. I don't think I could handle mocking, though. I hope no one mocks my efforts. They can tell me my writing sucks-- tell me the dialogue is fake and my characters are flatter than card board... that's all stuff I can fix. I don't want anyone to make fun of my efforts or my story though.
Anyway. Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of. But I'll learn to deal with them.. one way or another :)
In other news, I'm halfway through North and South :) Loving it so far.
Right now the song "Forever" by Ben Harper just came on my iTunes. 2 years ago I listened to this song non stop. The guitar mixed with Harper's voice soothed every tension I had in my body. I'm a sucker for romance. That's known pretty much everywhere I've been. Serious. Students from my old British Lit. Victorian class would come into class telling me of a good romance they thought I'd like or ask me about a romance book they were thinking of reading to see if I would recommend it. I know my romance. There are some lines in books that capture the feeling of love so perfectly that I wonder why no one's thought of it before. When Mr. Rochester said, "I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you-- especially when you are near to me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextriably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous Channel, and two hundred miles or so of land, come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapped; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly." Doesn't that sound so right? Then, of course, there's Mr. Darcy: "In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, sure, he goes onto say that it's an embarrassment to even considering her a wife and that all his friends and family will disapprove of the match-- but that little phrase was PERFECT! Then, you cannot forget Mr. Thornton as he watches Margaret ride away in the carriage: "Look back at me!" Such a simple, meaningless phrase on its own-- but when you look at in context-- that that glance from Margaret will signify to Thornton that she still holds him in high regard-- that that glance is the difference between hope and despair.. there's nothing more romantic. Now going back to the song, the line: "Not a day less will do from you" can easily be placed among the aforemented lines. He loves her so much that a day less than forever just wouldn't be satisfactory. He wants all of her all the time. Nothing says love more than that.
Anyway. I get carried away! Back to reading North and South!

MY life-changing songs

2008-11-21T17:46:00.001-08:00

Because Britty put the idea in my head, I have to run with it. These songs may not be life-changing to the whole world (though some of them have), but they have been life-changing for me.

“Heart of the Matter” By Don Henley
-I’d heard the song before because my dad is a huge Don Henley fan. However, I hate to admit it, I actually sat down and listened to the words after I heard the song on the Sex and the City movie trailer as sun by Ari. India. Henley has said of the song that it took him 10 years to write this 4 minute song… I think the hard work paid off, because I, at least, learned a lot. The song is about the fact that we are going to lose people—people you romantically love, family, friends— you’re going to be hurt by these people and by the simple fact that they are going to leave. However, the key to living life is forgiving—whether they apologize and come back to you or not. In the end, it’s about the experience you had and the experience you’ll eventually have.
“You Learn” By Alanis Morissette
- This has pretty much the same meaning as Don Henley’s song.. except said differently. The fact is, you go through life going through different experiences: love, live, scream, cry, etc… and you simply have to learn from those experiences… so don’t hold yourself back from doing something because it might be unconventional or lead to an unfavorable ending. Live and Learn.
“Stille Nacht” By Manheim Steamroller
- My sisters will understand why I put this song on the list more than anyone. Even though there are no words, the music is powerful and it has often led me to contemplate my life… thus, I have often realized changes I should make due to this song.
“Imagine” John Lennon
-Self-explanatory almost. This song has not just affected me, but people around the world. Powerful lyrics.
“For What it’s Worth” Buffalo Springfield
-Again, this song should be pretty self-explanatory, but then again, it may not be known to the younger generation. This song was an anti-war song during Vietnam and was used in a lot of protests. Basically a call for people to look at their government and this war and see for yourself whether it and they are being fair.
“Beautiful” Carol King
-Before there was Christina’s “Beautiful,” there was Carol’s… and personally, Carol’s is WAY better. It’s about just getting up in the morning and being happy with yourself… and as soon as you’re happy with yourself, other people will start realizing that you are beautiful.
“Fighter” Christina Aguilera
-This song beautifully sums a big reason why I keep pushing myself to be better. Jr. High and elementary school was pure Hell for me. People were utterly, completely, and whole-heartedly rude. I used to hold a huge grudge against them… but now, like Christina points out in the song, I just use them as a reason to keep pushing myself to be better—they’ve made me a fighter.
“Slide” Goo Goo Dolls
-I wrote my first full-length story (as crappy as it was) due to this song. Goo Goo Dolls were my first (and still are) muses.
“Fire and Rain” James Taylor
-This song was written while James was in an institution due to his depression. He met a woman named Suzanne, who he became really good friends with (there are rumors that he was going to marry her, but that hasn’t been confirmed). One day he woke up to find that she had killed herself. The song is a call out for his best friend and a reminder that anything can happen and to hold on to who and what you have.
“Have a Little Faith in Me” John Hiatt
-The muse for my first possibly publishable story. Have faith in people. It’s that simple
“Don’t Stop Believin’” Journey
-My graduation song. I think that’s pretty life changing.
“Pretend your alive” Lovedrug
-Song from a little-known band about recognizing the emptiness of your life and realizing that you need to fill it to have a real life.
“I Feel Better Already” Rob Higgs
- Okay, yes, this song was sung and written by my brother, so I’m a little biased. However, I sincerely believe that I would be a huge fan of his songs even I wasn’t related. This song helped me get through a lot of tough times during my 2 years at Weber. I was at the peak of my depression and I often wondered why I couldn’t just succeed at ANYTHING… NOTHING was going right. I felt ignored. The lyrics don’t really give a happy, “this is how you should act,” ending—however, the music is oddly uplifting… and the simple fact that I knew I wasn’t alone always helped me get through the day. I think that is POSSIBLY what he meant to do. The song is called “I feel better already”… just by getting all of that out there, does make you feel better even if you are in the same situation.
Pink Floyd
-I won’t attempt to pick one song. All of their songs, individually and as part of their respective albums, have made a monumental impact on my life. The lessons are unending and forever changing.
“I Shall Believe” Sheryl Crow
-I have my Goo Goo Dolls song and my John Hiatt songs as muses for specific stories… this song, though, is my favorite song to write to. I can’t write in silence—cause the silence is distracting, and I can’t type to certain songs because they’re also too distracting. This song, though, I not only can write to, but it HELPS me write… not sure why, but it does.
“Hoppipolla” Sugar Ros
-Icelandic song that, when translated, talks about old people jumping in puddles and living life to the fullest. I want to be like that ☺
“When I look to this sky” Train
- Basically: Life’s gonna be shitty, but if you have God (or whatever your deity is), you’re never alone and it’ll eventually get better. A lesson I am constantly needing to be reminded of.